Joke Thread II

[Doug B]

 

[RobinBHM]

Ive just taken the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy

 

[dzj]

 

[stuart little]

I meant blessed if you don't have relatives for whom the best medicine is a bottle of red!!

I didknow what you meant.

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 147360

 

[Lorenzl]

I worked (50 years ago) on a bridge 100'+ high - the steel erectors always maintained falling wasn't worth worrying about as it wouldn't hurt.

A guy I used to work with years ago was working on a bridge. One guy fell off and died and after that they were all told to wear hard hats

 

[Phil Pascoe]

We had to wear hard hats when the only thing likely to hit your head was gull shiiite. This was when we used to hang off the sides of the deck on a safety harness to weld, relying on a mate to pull you up afterwards.
More recently an acquaintance ran a decorating firm and he told me he'd been pulled up by health and safety because his men weren't wearing hard hats .......... they were painting skirting boards in a school.

 

[John Brown]

View attachment 147309

Good point!
On the other hand, didn't all those cave dwellers die out a while back?
Anyway, it is assumed that there was some vegetable element to their diet, but picking a blackberry, although you could be scratched by a bramble, did not have the same level of excitement as the hunting down and killing of another animal.
Interesting that cavemen had already invented OSB for lining their homes...

 

[Robbo3]

Homo Sapiens Slackass.

 

[Kittyhawk]

More recently an acquaintance ran a decorating firm and he told me he'd been pulled up by health and safety because his men weren't wearing hard hats .......... they painting skirting boards in a school.

Ain't officialdom grand.
We have a thing called Cat 1 which is an inspection of a yacht's safety equipment if you want to sail it offshore.
I was pulled up for not having a man overboard life ring. The argument that I was a single-hander so there would be no one on board to throw it to me if I fell over the side cut no ice.

 

[Suffolkboy]

In this photo William H Macey appears to be neglected, his skin is wrinkled suggesting he might be severely dehydrated.

Imagine if he were a pot plant that had been neglected and was desperate for water that had somehow gained the gift of sight and sentience but not the gift of speech seeing it's owner pour water into a coffee pot and once again failing to pour water into the potplant. The potplant, were it human may resemble William's run-down look and bemused facial expression.

 

[dzj]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[RobinBHM]

My boss has threatened to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me

 

[dzj]

Conjunction of planets

 

[Kittyhawk]

Ain't officialdom grand.
We have a thing called Cat 1 which is an inspection of a yacht's safety equipment if you want to sail it offshore.
I was pulled up for not having a man overboard life ring. The argument that I was a single-hander so there would be no one on board to throw it to me if I fell over the side cut no ice.

Further to the above, should really retract.
Another silly offshore requirement from a single-handers viewpoint - 'vessel to have three buckets, steel not plastic,' the rationale presumably being that the best bilge pump in the world is a frightened man with a bucket..., but three?
Talking with a Yachting NZ Category 1 inspector, he is aware of the apparent anomalies concerning single handed sailors, but the regs are to have a compliant vessel and the number of crew is immaterial to this.
Sorry, not a joke but it is to me a bit.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[stuart little]

In this photo William H Macey appears to be neglected, his skin is wrinkled suggesting he might be severely dehydrated.

Imagine if he were a pot plant that had been neglected and was desperate for water that had somehow gained the gift of sight and sentience but not the gift of speech seeing it's owner pour water into a coffee pot and once again failing to pour water into the potplant. The potplant, were it human may resemble William's run-down look and bemused facial expression.

I still cannot see it as a 'joke' - sorrry.