Joke Thread III

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Recently I was in the hospital having a bit of surgery done.
On admission they did a number of tests, neccessary for us senior citizens so they said. Presumably to avoid the inconvenience of having elderly patients kicking the bucket on the theatre table.
Included in the tests was an ECG. As an ex ambo I have done a lot of ECG's so completely relaxed about having one myself and also confident that the only abnormality they might find would be a slightly elongated P-R interval - not unusual in a person of my age.
Its important that you keep completely still during an ECG and as the test concluded the nurse behind the monitor said 'uh-oh!', followed by 'Oh...oh dear..' a few seconds later. Now I can absolutely assure you that 'uh-oh' is the last exclamation you ever want to hear during an ECG. And then, 'excuse me, I need to call my colleague' which provided a further boost to my fright level and probably soaring blood pressure.
She soon returned with a man in a white coat and there was a problem alright. The paper rhythm strip had jammed in the machine and she couldn't print out a hard copy. This they quickly resolved.
'Ok,' she said with a chirpy smile. 'All done', totally oblivious of the fact that she'd darned near killed me.
In the same vain so to speak.

Two nurses looking at my x-ray, one whispered to the other RIP apparently it's something to do with assessing the quality of the image, quite spoiled my morning.
 
A nun is waiting at Heathrow for a flight to Aberdeen when she spots an 'I Tell Your Fortune' machine and decides to amuse herself. She drops a coin in the slot and the machine spits out a card which reads "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you are waiting for a flight to Aberdeen."
She thinks 'This is remarkable but probably a fluke. I'll try it again.' drops another coin in the slot and reads the card the machine spits out which reads, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you are waiting for a flight to Aberdeen and you play the fiddle."
'Well that's ridiculous,' she thinks, 'I've never played a musical instrument in my life.'
Just then, another traveller carrying a violin case sits beside her and leaves it to go buy a coffee. Consumed with curiosity, she takes the violin from the case and tries to play it. To her amazement, she plays a beautiful rendition of Vivaldi's Four Seasons.
'That's amazing!' she thinks. 'I must try that machine again.'
The machine spits out another card which reads, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you are waiting for a flight to Aberdeen, you play the fiddle and you are about to fart."
'That's nonsense,' she thinks but sure enough, as she steps down from the machine, she breaks wind. She decides to try one more time and inserts another coin.
The machine spits out another card which reads, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and due to your fiddling and farting about, you have missed your flight to Aberdeen."
 
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Politics is a complete joke nowadays - the only thing people have to complain about is that it's long since ceased to be funny..
 
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