Joke Thread 4

[Noel]

After 100 pages time for some fresh humour.

Please keep in mind:

Please ensure contributions do not contain risqué innuendo or images that might offend, remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, may cause insult or offence to others.
Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind.

 

[treeturner123]

Where is it then?

 

[John Brown]

I just looked up "gluten intolerance" on the web, and was asked if I wanted cookies.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[niall Y]

Rather than start a new thread, would it not be better to run a parallel thread for commentaries on jokes? That way we will not have to move on to Joke thread 5 in a year or so.

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke is about to enter a pub when he's accosted by a nun waving a banner that reads 'Drink is the Devil's Brew'. He tries to push past her but she grabs his arm and implores him not to go in as it will be the ruination of him.
'Go on,' he says. 'I've been drinking since I was a youngster and it's not done me any harm and I bet you've never had a drink in your life, so how would you know anything about it?'
The nun is indignant and tells him she most certainly has never let alcohol pass her lips.
'There you go,' says the bloke. 'I'll make a deal with you. Come inside and and have a glass of gin and if you don't like it, I'll give up the booze for a week.'
The nun refuses to enter the pub but finally agrees to try a gin but only if he brings it out her in a cup so no one will know what she's drinking.
The bloke goes up to the bar. 'Evening Harry, a pint of the usual. Oh, and can I have a gin please, in a cup not a glass.'
The landlord looks at him and says, 'Is that bloody nun out there again?'

 

[Stan]

It's the start of the lunch recess at Moscow central court building. Sergei, one of the judges, leaves by the door at the back of the court room into the service corridor. He looks down the corridor and sees his colleague Vladimir, known among the judges as "Vlad the Impaler" due to his 'generous' disposition towards defendants. To Sergei's shock he sees that Vlad is actually chuckling, something it is rumoured that he hasn't done since he was about five.

Sergei: What's so funny?

Vlad: [chuckling] I have just heard a man tell the best joke I've heard in years.

Sergei: Come on then, let's hear it.

Vlad: [shocked] I can't do that! I have just sent him down for two years for telling that joke.

 

[Sachakins]

Phil walks into his boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'll be honest with you. I know the economy isn't great, but I've got three companies after me, and I'd like to ask for a raise, respectfully." After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and he happily gets up to leave. "By the way," the boss asks as Phil leaves his office, "which three companies are after you?" Phil replies, "The electric company, water company, and phone company."

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[Jameshow]

Try having 7!!!

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jameshow]

 

[Morty]

He could ruin a good pair of trousers

 

[niall Y]

" Eunuch's Pork Luncheon Meat"

 

[Noel]

English tourist accused of carving name in Colosseum says he did not realise its age....... says he was ‘embarrassed’ to learn of amphitheatre’s antiquity​

 

[niemeyjt]

Just because he lives in Bristol does not make him English any more than my living in Lausanne makes me Swiss.