Joke Thread 4

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[JAW911]

Just because he lives in Bristol does not make him English any more than my living in Lausanne makes me Swiss.

Not sure what this even relates to but oddly I live in Bristol and am today in Lausanne!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Oddly, I don't and I'm not.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jameshow]

View attachment 162217

My wife's away for the week let's see what I can get away with....

Infact I'm looking to downsize my workshop. Too many tools I don't use!!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Amateur]

Sorry for the slight indiscretion posting on the comments and explanations thread this morning.
It was by accident.
But.
Considering I pulled the petrol cap opening lever under the car dash earlier and have been stood for 3/4 hour trying to get the bonnet up its of little consequence.

 

[Cordy]

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

 

[Cordy]

A frog, who wondered about his ancestry, went for a DNA test.

As it turned out; he was mostly French but a tad Pole..…

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

A son calls his elderly father who's in hospital after a hip replacement and asks him how he is.
'I'm fine,' says the old man. 'They're really looking after me here.'
'Are you sleeping OK?' the son asks.
'Oh yes. I get a solid ten hours. Every night they bring me my hot cocoa and Viagra tablet and I go out like a light.'
The son is horrified and calls the hospital back and demands to speak to the ward sister. 'What the hell are you doing giving my old man Viagra?' he shouts. 'Are you trying to kill him?'
'On the contrary,' says the sister, 'it works very well. The cocoa knocks him out and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed.'

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cordy]

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times.

That actually beats my record, set in 2013, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together...

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]