Joke Thread III
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stuart little
Established Member
The boyfriend of the lass next door had a flat tyre on the drive - no idea how to change it - "Where's your jacj & tools?" I asked, "At home". So time to get out trolley jack & torque wrench - no-way would he of got the wheel nuts loose with the toolkit wrench in any case!
Pineapple
Established Member
I put pizza IN Pineapple !
woodhutt
Established Member
I woke the other day with a terrible chest pain. My wife wanted me to go to the doc's but I was convinced it was only heartburn.
Now, I'm not a mean man but, there was no way I was going to pay $50 for a doctor to tell me all I had was indigestion so you can imagine my feelings when I got to work and a colleague, 'Eggs' Benedict, told me he had the same symptoms. It was a simple matter to persuade him he should see a doctor and off he went. When he arrived back at work later that day he told me his doctor had diagnosed simple heartburn.
So, as I said, I'm not a mean man but you can imagine my delight at the diagnosis and I'd just saved myself $50 !!!
The next day, 'Eggs' didn't show up for work and news finally filtered down that he'd died, quite suddenly. Panic! Demanded an urgent appointment at the doc's. Cost $75. Result? Heartburn. Not satisfied. Demanded an X-Ray and a host of other tests. Cost $250. Result? Heartburn.
I was not happy.
That evening I called 'Eggs' wife to commiserate. I asked if his passing had been quick (I have to confess that I hoped he'd died writhing in agony).
No, she said. It was pretty quick. After all, it was a pretty big truck that hit him.
Now, I'm not a mean man but, there was no way I was going to pay $50 for a doctor to tell me all I had was indigestion so you can imagine my feelings when I got to work and a colleague, 'Eggs' Benedict, told me he had the same symptoms. It was a simple matter to persuade him he should see a doctor and off he went. When he arrived back at work later that day he told me his doctor had diagnosed simple heartburn.
So, as I said, I'm not a mean man but you can imagine my delight at the diagnosis and I'd just saved myself $50 !!!
The next day, 'Eggs' didn't show up for work and news finally filtered down that he'd died, quite suddenly. Panic! Demanded an urgent appointment at the doc's. Cost $75. Result? Heartburn. Not satisfied. Demanded an X-Ray and a host of other tests. Cost $250. Result? Heartburn.
I was not happy.
That evening I called 'Eggs' wife to commiserate. I asked if his passing had been quick (I have to confess that I hoped he'd died writhing in agony).
No, she said. It was pretty quick. After all, it was a pretty big truck that hit him.
bushwhaker
Established Member
treeturner123
Established Member
bushwhaker
Established Member
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home... and left it there all night.
We refer to people like Mildred as a "grenouille de bénitier" ( gren oooy duh ben it ee ay )*..= "font frog" , always hopping around agitatedly in church and croaking at others.
* say the sounds in the brackets slowly, when you get them sounding right , then say them slightly faster joined together, voila !..you can speak french
ps..many french say voila as wah lah , it is all good.
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Cozzer
Established Member
We refer to people like Mildred as a "grenouille de bénitier" ( gren oooy duh ben it ee ay )*..= "font frog" , always hopping around agitatedly in church and croaking at others.
* say the sounds in the brackets slowly, when you get them sounding right , then say them slightly faster joined together, voila !..you can speak french
ps..many french say voila as wah lah , it is all good.
That's interesting!
Obviously I'm not 'correcting' you - as you actually live there! - but it just goes to show how I've forgotten even schoolboy French!
I passed my 'O Level' (without money changing hands!) and praised myself for doing so... However, years later I was in Paris with my beloved, and we wandered into a gift shop of sorts in order to buy some memento-or-other. My better half spotted a watch for sale, but wondered if they had the same but with a slightly different dial design (or something - I can't quite remember now)
Striding manfully to the shop assistant, I hit her with what I thought was perfect grammar, pronunciation and content. Ten minutes later, I don't know who was more confused.
We never did buy a watch....
To further my point, when I saw your "grenouille" statement above, I would've stabbed at "gron wee"...the rest I wasn't far off.
And that's why we didn't buy a watch!
you can also vocalise the ouille part in words as oo yee One of the things which makes french hard to learn is the amount of words where part of what is written as a word has become silent when spoken.The Parisians make it worse again as they keep changing the way they say words in order to sound more "cool" ( or so they think ), then the rest ( who want to sound "cool as a Parisian" ) start adopting such mispronunciations, and it all goes to hell.
Currently the french have adopted "en fait" ( in fact ) as punctuation, so you hear ..
"en fait" some word "en fait" another word "en fait" some other word "en fait " "en fait" ad infinitum til they close their mouths.
Drives me bat carp crazy .
Even the well educated older ones have picked up this linguistic "tic".
Macron has started doing it, as have all the newscasters.The younger french also have decided to speak without opening their mouths more than a slit and to not move their lips, but to speak incredibly ( and incoherently ) fast .
which gives .."en fait" durr, someword "en fait" duuurrr "en fait" another word "en fait" duuuur "en fait" "en fait" but delivered at the speed of a Texan auctioneer with a speech impediment, or lock jaw.
The most recent linguistic casualty as a result of Parisian "cool speak" is "maintenant" ( normally pronounced as "man ten ont" which has now become ( Macron included ) "mat non"..and the number 20 ( vingt ) normally pronounced "van", which ( again Macron included ) has become "vat".
Spoken french is moving away from written french at an alarming rate, despite one of the "you must not fail" exams which is known as "le dicté" requiring students to listen to what is said to them and to transcribe it with as few errors as possible.The student begins with 20 points, and loses a quarter point for every transcription error. the problem being that what they now hear is getting further away from the written form of the words.Also, do they transcribe all the teacher's "en faits" , ( hopefully they already leave out of their transcriptions all the teacher's "duuuuurrrrs" ) or do they leave in all the "en faits" so as to be accurately transcribing what they are hearing. the problem is still worse for court of justice transcriptions, include all the "en faits", or just some of them, and who decides which "en faits" are in fact vital, and which are "tics".
My two favorite french language performers are / were Raymond Devos ( a Belgian ..now dead , I have dozens of hours of his comedy "sketches" on DVD ) and Fabrice Luccini ( alive ) both are an absolute delight to listen to ( Fabrice Luchini whenever he is being interviewed ), for the way that they "play" with the french language. I think ( but I'm not certain ) that Raymond once said that as the student begins "le dicté" with 20 points, the best way to preserve them, was to sit down, write their name and the date at the top of the paper, and then immediately insist on having to be escorted to the toilet due to an urgent feeling of the need to vomit.Even if they did not vomit, they could then ask to be excused from the exam due to illness.Their 20 points would be intact.
woodhutt
Established Member
Au revoir to the Joke Thread again!
Ok..Why do you have to aim your gun 15cm above a Parisian's head if you want him dead ?
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Because his superiority complex is the hardest part of him to kill.
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Because his superiority complex is the hardest part of him to kill.
woodhutt
Established Member
Well, it's a little highbrow but a step in the right direction,
Having spent a couple of months in Brittany years ago I've met hundreds of people who would go along with that.
It's common to people in capital cities the world over.
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
flying haggis
Established Member
Please let this actually be true...
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
ajs
Established Member
It's all a bit fishy to me.
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