Joke Thread 4
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The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Flynnwood
Established Member
Here is a laugh. What '*.ism' is available for someone that does not believe in Fairies?
Robbo3
Established Member
Alex H
Established Member
Alex H
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
Cozzer
Established Member
"Look, you lot! My ar5e is on the line, and the last thing I want is a c**k up!"
Deafening laughter met this comment, which somewhat deflated his point....
Deafening laughter met this comment, which somewhat deflated his point....
Scifli
Established Member
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
The irony being that it doesn’t matter what the speed limit is people will stroll be exceeding it…
My strolling days are over, I crawl everywhere now days.
Dyslexia and autocorrect introduces its own irony.
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
A few quickies:
Wrong Number:
Having just settled into his new office, a pompous newly promoted Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling he’d sufficiently impressed the young airman, he brusquely asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.
He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two begin playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.
After getting the first question wrong, the blonde asks the professor "What goes up a hill wet, then comes down the hill dry?" The professor spends the whole flight trying to solve the riddle, but eventually gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill when the plane lands.
As she stands up to leave, the professor asks "So what does go up a hill wet, then down a hill dry?" ...at which point the blonde takes out a dollar and hands it to him with a wink.
Pretentious jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Someone called me pretentious today.
I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.
What do you call a pretentious burglar falling down a flight of stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Russian nesting dolls are so pretentious.
They're so full of themselves.
I met my old Maths teacher in town yesterday.
He asked me for directions to the theatre. I told him make a 299 degrees turn, walk for 290 meters, then subtend the angle of X using Pythagoras Theorem and round it up to the nearest degree using tan ∆. From that point, draw a parabolic curve, walk 342 meters on its major axis and bisect the straight road at an obtuse angle. That's where the theatre is.
I just wanted him to feel like I felt when I was in his class at school.
I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.
Now I know how Canada feels.
What is a word meaning "an obnoxious person", beginning with
C-U-?
'Customer'.
How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.
Wrong Number:
Having just settled into his new office, a pompous newly promoted Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling he’d sufficiently impressed the young airman, he brusquely asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.
He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two begin playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.
After getting the first question wrong, the blonde asks the professor "What goes up a hill wet, then comes down the hill dry?" The professor spends the whole flight trying to solve the riddle, but eventually gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill when the plane lands.
As she stands up to leave, the professor asks "So what does go up a hill wet, then down a hill dry?" ...at which point the blonde takes out a dollar and hands it to him with a wink.
Pretentious jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Someone called me pretentious today.
I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.
What do you call a pretentious burglar falling down a flight of stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Russian nesting dolls are so pretentious.
They're so full of themselves.
I met my old Maths teacher in town yesterday.
He asked me for directions to the theatre. I told him make a 299 degrees turn, walk for 290 meters, then subtend the angle of X using Pythagoras Theorem and round it up to the nearest degree using tan ∆. From that point, draw a parabolic curve, walk 342 meters on its major axis and bisect the straight road at an obtuse angle. That's where the theatre is.
I just wanted him to feel like I felt when I was in his class at school.
I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.
Now I know how Canada feels.
What is a word meaning "an obnoxious person", beginning with
C-U-?
'Customer'.
How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.
Last edited:
Yorkieguy
Established Member
I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back, so I shook the parrot and he got angrier and even ruder, so in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out into my outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued:
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back, so I shook the parrot and he got angrier and even ruder, so in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out into my outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued:
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
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