Joke Thread 4

[Jameshow]

I ordered an aerosol deodorant/body spray, with my online shop, they were out of stock, so what did they substitute it with? How about 'Shower Gel'!!!!!!
I now find that squishy - soapy armpits are NOT at all comfy!!!

We got chocolate whipped cream as a substitute this week yuck!!

 

[Jaco]

Priceless​

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove,I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

 

[Jaco]

A cultural comparison​

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the silly person box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one here watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how we beat the Poms in every sport we play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because we live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

 

[Jaco]

A priest, a Pentecostal priest and a rabbi​

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father
Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Yorkieguy]

Q: What words do Aussies utter as ‘foreplay’?

A: “WAKE UP”!

 

[Cozzer]

Q: What words do Aussies utter as ‘foreplay’?

A: “WAKE UP”!

I understood it was "Brace yourself, Sheila..."

 

[MikeJhn]

Often forgotten fact is it's the Aussies that are the POME's not the British, they where given the designation when being deported to Australia.

 

[John Brown]

Often forgotten fact is it's the Aussies that are the POME's not the British, they where given the designation when being deported to Australia.

There's little concensus on the origin of POM, but it's fairly certain that it's not an acronym. In fact a lot of acronyms turn out to be backronyms, e.g. POSH, GOLF, TIP, to name three.

 

[Cozzer]

I understood it was "Brace yourself, Sheila..."

....or "Tarquin", depending....

 

[TRITON]

Often forgotten fact is it's the Aussies that are the POME's not the British, they where given the designation when being deported to Australia.

For those unsure of the meaning.
POME - Prisoner Of Mother England
Also spelled as POHM - Prisoner Of Her Majesty

POHM or POME were stamps on the clothing of British who were being deported for their criminal activities.

Interesting to note that 90% of Australians have a distant ancestor who arrived in the country in chains, and that many Americans came to their land, because they were religious weirdos, who nobody wanted living next to them.

 

[John Brown]

For those unsure of the meaning.
POME - Prisoner Of Mother England
Also spelled as POHM - Prisoner Of Her Majesty

POHM or POME were stamps on the clothing of British who were being deported for their criminal activities.

Interesting to note that 90% of Australians have a distant ancestor who arrived in the country in chains, and that many Americans came to their land, because they were religious weirdos, who nobody wanted living next to them.

Except that it almost certainly isn't derived from that. Pomegranate is generally accepted as the most likely etymology.
Beware the fanciful backronym!

 

[RobinBHM]

I may have posted this before, apols if I have

its a Duck Mariachi band, not a joke but funny all the same

 

[Morag Jones]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Keith Cocker]

Americans came to their land, because they were religious weirdos, who nobody wanted living next to them

They still are

 

[Vulcan]

 

[Yorkieguy]

Laughter is the best medicine - nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. It also helps you release anger and forgive sooner.

Only three years ago, but seems like a lifetime away, and worth a reprise I think:

Cleverly done!

If Trump had his way, he'd have washed their mouths out with Dettol!

 

[selectortone]

Yesterday, in court: