Christmas
I got the missus a belt and bag for Christmas
Hope they fit the vacuum cleaner
My wife said she would like something smelly for Christmas.
Hope she likes the Gorgonzola......
She said she would like something sparkly for Christmas.
I think she'll enjoy the Perrier.
"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.
"Christmas always reminds me of the time of year when my best mate ran off with my missus."
"Oh yeah, sorry mate, it must bring back bad memories."
"Yeah - (sob) - I really miss him."
The wife has been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
I got her a pair of football boots.
I'm not in the mood for humour right now. I went out today and when I got home all the doors were smashed in and everything was gone.
That's the last time I leave my advent calendar in the same room as my dog.
Rudolf has a red nose so he can guide the way but why does Dasher have a brown nose?
Because he doesn't stop as fast as Rudolf!
Got the wife a new wooden leg for crimbo.
Don't worry it's just a stocking filler.
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This year Santa had a visit from the Civil Aviation Authority, to check out the airworthiness of the sleigh and reindeer. It did not go well...
The official checked out the sleigh and boarded it for a test flight, Santa piloting. Suddenly he pulled out a 9mm automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing?" says Santa.
"I want to see how you handle this craft with one engine out!"
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Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
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A Christmas Tree Tradition
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
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