Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run?
I've not been happy at work or at home for a while now and the more scenic reels I see on Insta the more I want to just pack a bag go. Problem is that I might not come back.
I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there.
For those that don't know, I live on site at a primary school, which is part of a 10 school academy, where I work as Site Manager, we had a new CEO start in September and whilst we haven't had any interactions his behaviour towards H&S and putting people at risk completely disgusts me, we have a small office building on site that is falling apart, last april we had rainfall coming through the light fittings, I had a structural engineer and an electrician recomend we dont use the building and knock it down, the CEO at the time and the new CEO both continued using it, even holding interviews and meetings in there and not telling people how bad the building is. Living on site means I can never really shut off from work, the house is right at the front of school, everyone passes my door to get into school which means i often get deliveries for school knocking on my front door upsetting the dogs. Recently the academy have started trying to make changes to the way I work that I don't like but can't fight as my job description is very open and as a result I've felt like leaving but financially we can't afford to, I would only have a month to find a job a home and move out. Then to top it off I find the mold in the garage/workshop that not only made me sick as a dog for 2+ weeks, could wipe out 90% of my wood stock and all of the stock I've made for Easter sales at the shop.
That's all the immediate stuff, there's so much more that makes me want to be escape, generally I hate what the world/society has become, I dream of being able to live alone, miles from civilisation where I answer to and for nobody but myself, that's not likely to happen, closest I'll get to that would be a job as an island custodian and they're few and far between.
As I sit a type all of this I wonder if my problems are real or just me getting inside my own head and making it worse myself, am I just overreacting? Do I just need a break from everything? That would be nice but taking time off work means twice as much work when I get back so how do I switch off when I know that will be waiting for me, that's why I never take time off, something HR and I constantly battle over, last year I only took 2 of my 30 days holiday, this year I've used 1 day so have 29 plus 5 carried over from last year still to use before September, maybe I'm burnt out but I don't feel how I imagine that would feel, I just feel sad/miserable/angry with a longing to be out in nature/forests/mountains on my own completely off-grid and maybe that's what I need, pack a few clothes, get on my bike and head off into the great outdoors, let the soldier I used to be take over and reset my mindset, I've got plenty of places in Wales pinned to my must see list, I could probably get round quite a few of them in a week. Just need a few £K to put it back on the road and replace the mouse bitten clothing and helmet.
It's nice to dream but then how would swmbo cope on her own? She would constantly worry and panic the whole time. Someone would have to help with the dogs when she's at work? how would I fund this escape? Putting the bike back on the road and the clothing will be around £3000 Fuel would cost a fortune, then the cost of fuelling myself, somewhere to sleep won't be cheap either unless I were to rough it with a tarp and sleeping bag, wouldn't be the first time I've done that so it's not a problem, especially if I do let the soldier out, but then he's been locked away for 20 years and for good reason.
If you've got this far I'm sorry guys, I'm ranting, I don't have friends to meet up with and talk to, which I'm fine with so no need to pity me for it, I just don't have a personality that allows for long term friendships, especially if I don't have regular contact in person, unfortunately I get bored quickly and stop making the effort to contact, especially if I start thinking that effort isn't reciprocated.
Thanks for getting this far, I'm still clueless but it always helps to share, also, I don't expect replies to this so don't feel you have to, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same.
before anything we need to sit down so i can try to make her understand how I feel and that I'm struggling to cope with what feels like being attacked at home and at work, I don't expect it to be done over night or even in weeks, just one or two boxes at a time to show that she is willing move forward instead of ignoring it and wasting whole weekends watching carp on telly.
