Can't beat a bit of Dino
Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
- Start date
Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:
- Status
Sachakins
The most wasted of days is one without woodwork
How about Controversial jokes 1, with membership by request only, bit like the Controversial off topics forum.
Sachakins
The most wasted of days is one without woodwork
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer ??!"
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer ??!"
AES
Established Member
Instead of a new "Controversial Jokes" thread here I see we're just cleaning out the remnants from the really OLD jokes cupboard (see above). So here goes:
IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?
IF, in English, people from Poland are referred to as Poles .........
Then why aren't people from Holland referred to as Holes?
SamG340
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
user 38384
Established Member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2021
- Messages
- 159
- Reaction score
- 968
Robbo3
Established Member
Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Alex H
Established Member
Alex H
Established Member
Always be specific!
Alex H
Established Member
I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe.
I said to the assistant "it's too tight".
He said "Try it with the tongue out",
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
I said to the assistant "it's too tight".
He said "Try it with the tongue out",
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
Remember the best of the post impressionists were PolesOld jokes still better than no joke,(Just)
Did you know rabbits can multiply faster than adders can?
stuart little
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
AES
Established Member
What do cricketers keep in boxes?
Their balls?
Thier toolsWhat do cricketers keep in boxes?
- Status
