Joke Thread II

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Weird green light on dashboard - huh?


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A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,
fell into a river ,
all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
My wife
the bus !!!
I am sorry to say my wife died last year, and I personally do not find this joke funny. But that's my problem.
"Bloody hell! Quarter to four in the morning, and somebody's knocking on our door!", moaned the bloke to his wife.
"Probably been to the pub for a lockdown....lucky him....remember those days, dear? When we had a life..." he droned on.....
Another few knocks followed.
"God almighty! Are we ever going to get any sleep?!"
He turned over, pulling the duvet over his head.
Louder, most determined knocking.....
Laddo cursed, leapt out of bed, threw on his dressing gown and opened the bedroom window.
"For Christ's sake!", he bellowed,"What do you want?!"
A plaintive little voice answered.
"Sorry to wake you. Can you give me a push please?"
"Pineapple* off!", shouted the bloke.
"What's going on?" asked his wife as the bloke climbed back into bed.
"Some cretin's stuck, and wants a push.....I told him to forget it"
His wife thought for a moment, before reminding him of a similar event that had happened to them a few years before.
"Remember? We'd broken down in the middle of nowhere, we'd the three kids in the back and it was tippling down with rain? And those two blokes appeared out of the gloom and got us going again? Remember?"
"Yes, yes, OK, OK, I'll go down....."
The bloke threw some clothes on, went downstairs and opened his door.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes" came the reply, from around the corner.
"Are you still wanting a push?"
"Yes, please...."
"Where are you? I can't see you....." said the bloke, peering into the darkness....
"Over here", came the voice, "On the swings....."

* Thought I'd censor it myself to save the mod some time!
,,wifes mobile rang during the night , so i answered an told the bloke to call the weather centre,, wife says ,who was that ?, i said , some bloke wanted to know if the coast was clear,,
If you don't know, how on earth can you expect her to tell you ?
She doesn't know either, but will happily explore many a possibility together with you.
At 50 Euros* a session. :)

*local prices.
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming BS stories
A group of women from Perth, Australia were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

Below are the 11 replies.

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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