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what is the difference between an elephantand a greyhound . about 50 years hard sanding .
a women rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out .she rattles off,doctor take a look at me .when i woke up this morning ,i looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up ,my skin was all wrinkled and pasty my eyes were blood-shot and bugged out ,and i had this corpse-like look on my face !whats wrong with me doctor ?
the doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,then calmly says ,well i can tell you one thing there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight
a women rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out .she rattles off,doctor take a look at me .when i woke up this morning ,i looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up ,my skin was all wrinkled and pasty my eyes were blood-shot and bugged out ,and i had this corpse-like look on my face !whats wrong with me doctor ?
the doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,then calmly says ,well i can tell you one thing there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
A
Anonymous
Guest
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
>jam
> >>
> >> in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to
>him.
> >>
> >> The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless,
> >>
> >> started up a conversation.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you
>Australian
> >>
> >> folks eat the whole loaf? " The Australian frowned, annoyed with
>being
> >>
> >> bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course".
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only
>eat
> >>
> >> what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
> >>
> >> transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. "
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in
> >>
> >> silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?
> >>
> >> "Sighing, the Australian replied "yes. " Cracking his gum between
> >>
> >> his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States we eat
> >>
> >> fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and
>leftovers
> >>
> >> in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell
> >>
> >> it to Australia.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The Australian then asked, "do you have sex in the States? "
> >>
> >> The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do. "
> >>
> >> The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with
>the
> >>
> >> condoms once you've used them?"
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> "We throw them away of course" replied the American.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them,
>melt
> >>
> >> them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States,
>that's
> >>
> >> why its called Wrigley's"
>jam
> >>
> >> in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to
>him.
> >>
> >> The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless,
> >>
> >> started up a conversation.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you
>Australian
> >>
> >> folks eat the whole loaf? " The Australian frowned, annoyed with
>being
> >>
> >> bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course".
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only
>eat
> >>
> >> what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
> >>
> >> transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. "
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in
> >>
> >> silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?
> >>
> >> "Sighing, the Australian replied "yes. " Cracking his gum between
> >>
> >> his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States we eat
> >>
> >> fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and
>leftovers
> >>
> >> in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell
> >>
> >> it to Australia.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The Australian then asked, "do you have sex in the States? "
> >>
> >> The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do. "
> >>
> >> The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with
>the
> >>
> >> condoms once you've used them?"
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> "We throw them away of course" replied the American.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them,
>melt
> >>
> >> them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States,
>that's
> >>
> >> why its called Wrigley's"
its the little scouse lads birthday and his mum gives him some money and tells his sister to take him to the shops in town .he goes to the sports shop and buys a man united shirt his sister plays hell with him ,so they go home when his mum sees the shirt she goes bonkers and belts him round the ears ,later when his dad gets home he belts the lad saying you know me and your mum support liverpool ,with that the lad replies iv'e only been a man united supporter for a few hours and i already hate you scousers
two lads where playing in the street in manchester when a doberman runs up and starts to savage one of the boys ,the second one picks up a stick and hits the dog on the head and kills it .a man runs up and tells the lad he works for the local paper and will print the story of how a brave young manchester united supporter saved his friend from a mad dog, the lad replies i am not a manchester united supporter oh right said the man well your a manchester city supporter them ,no said the lad i come from liverpool .that night the the head lines said liverpool yob kills family pet
G
Guest
Guest
An old lady takes her senile old husband to the doctor. The doctor,after a thorough examination, shakes his head. "I'm not sure what's wrong with him" says the doctor."We had better have samples of his urine,semen and faeces"
"What did he say?" asks the feeble old gent."Just leave your underpants with the receptionist" replied his wife(This story is not autobiographical)
"What did he say?" asks the feeble old gent."Just leave your underpants with the receptionist" replied his wife(This story is not autobiographical)
G
Guest
Guest
The same old lady goes to the doctor on her own behalf.After examining her he announced"You have acute angina"
"My **** are pretty good too"she replied
"My **** are pretty good too"she replied
It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"dung" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
The burglar and the parrot
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the
railroadtracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Kostas and his wife Eleni were working in the garden one day when Kostas looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."
With that he proceeded to measure the grill and then went over to where
Eleni was working and measured his Eleni's bottom. "Yes, I was right
your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!!!"
Eleni chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Kostas is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards Eleni, who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ass
grill for one little souvlaki?"
A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the
house.
He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.
The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd
fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times
already
A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo
Two Irishmen were in a life boat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going silly person! Now we're going to have to water in the boat!"
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh your day is coming!
Two Irishmen are walking down a road when they come across a mirror.
One says to the other "Whats that then?", to which the other replies, "Its a picture. The face looks farmiliar, but I cant put a name to it."
On hearing this the other Irishman walks over to take a look, and says "Ah you daft begger, thats me that is".
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"dung" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
The burglar and the parrot
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the
railroadtracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Kostas and his wife Eleni were working in the garden one day when Kostas looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."
With that he proceeded to measure the grill and then went over to where
Eleni was working and measured his Eleni's bottom. "Yes, I was right
your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!!!"
Eleni chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Kostas is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards Eleni, who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ass
grill for one little souvlaki?"
A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the
house.
He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.
The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd
fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times
already
A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo
Two Irishmen were in a life boat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going silly person! Now we're going to have to water in the boat!"
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh your day is coming!
Two Irishmen are walking down a road when they come across a mirror.
One says to the other "Whats that then?", to which the other replies, "Its a picture. The face looks farmiliar, but I cant put a name to it."
On hearing this the other Irishman walks over to take a look, and says "Ah you daft begger, thats me that is".
A snail goes to the police stationhaving been terribly beaten up. The policeman asks who did it.
"A tortoise," says the snail.
"Can you describe the tortoise?" the cop asks. "How big was he? What colour?"
"I don't know," says the snail, "It all happened so fast."
A snail sitting at the bar asks the landlord for a pint of lager and a packet of crisps.
The landlord picks the snail up, walks to the door of the pub and hurls the snail outside as far as he can.
One year, three months and twenty two days later, the snail, slightly short of breath, is sitting once more at the bar and says to the landlord,
"What did you go and do that for?"
"A tortoise," says the snail.
"Can you describe the tortoise?" the cop asks. "How big was he? What colour?"
"I don't know," says the snail, "It all happened so fast."
A snail sitting at the bar asks the landlord for a pint of lager and a packet of crisps.
The landlord picks the snail up, walks to the door of the pub and hurls the snail outside as far as he can.
One year, three months and twenty two days later, the snail, slightly short of breath, is sitting once more at the bar and says to the landlord,
"What did you go and do that for?"
A
Anonymous
Guest
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its
size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a
question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and
tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its
size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued,
As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your
homework, and three, one day you are going to be very,
very disappointed."
her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its
size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a
question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and
tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its
size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued,
As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your
homework, and three, one day you are going to be very,
very disappointed."
A
Anonymous
Guest
Ancient Technology!
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, French scientists dug
200m, and headlines in the newspapers read:- "French scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians"
One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing!
They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already
using mobile phones".
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, French scientists dug
200m, and headlines in the newspapers read:- "French scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians"
One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing!
They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already
using mobile phones".
A
Anonymous
Guest
THREE GIRLS ALL WORKED IN THE SAME OFFICE WITH THE SAME FEMALE BOSS.
EACH DAY, THEY NOTICED THE BOSS LEFT WORK EARLY.
ONE DAY, THE GIRLS DECIDED THAT, WHEN THE BOSS LEFT, THEY WOULD LEAVE
RIGHT BEHIND HER.
AFTER ALL, SHE NEVER CALLED OR CAME BACK TO WORK, SO HOW WOULD SHE
KNOW THEY WENT HOME EARLY?
THE BRUNETTE WAS THRILLED TO BE HOME EARLY. SHE DID A LITTLE
GARDENING, SPENT PLAYTIME WITH HER SON, AND WENT TO BED EARLY.
THE REDHEAD WAS ELATED TO BE ABLE TO GET IN A QUICK WORKOUT AT THE SPA
BEFORE MEETING A DINNER DATE.
THE BLONDE WAS HAPPY TO GET HOME EARLY AND SURPRISE HER HUSBAND, BUT
WHEN SHE GOT TO HER BEDROOM, SHE HEARD A MUFFLED NOISE FROM INSIDE.
SLOWLY AND QUIETLY, SHE CRACKED OPEN THE DOOR AND WAS MORTIFIED TO SEE
HER HUSBAND IN BED WITH HER BOSS! GENTLY, SHE CLOSED THE
DOOR AND CREPT OUT OF HER HOUSE.
THE NEXT DAY, AT THEIR COFFEE BREAK, THE BRUNETTE AND REDHEAD PLANNED
TO LEAVE EARLY AGAIN, AND THEY ASKED THE BLONDE IF SHE WAS GOING TO GO
WITH THEM.
"NO WAY," THE BLONDE EXCLAIMED. "I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!"
EACH DAY, THEY NOTICED THE BOSS LEFT WORK EARLY.
ONE DAY, THE GIRLS DECIDED THAT, WHEN THE BOSS LEFT, THEY WOULD LEAVE
RIGHT BEHIND HER.
AFTER ALL, SHE NEVER CALLED OR CAME BACK TO WORK, SO HOW WOULD SHE
KNOW THEY WENT HOME EARLY?
THE BRUNETTE WAS THRILLED TO BE HOME EARLY. SHE DID A LITTLE
GARDENING, SPENT PLAYTIME WITH HER SON, AND WENT TO BED EARLY.
THE REDHEAD WAS ELATED TO BE ABLE TO GET IN A QUICK WORKOUT AT THE SPA
BEFORE MEETING A DINNER DATE.
THE BLONDE WAS HAPPY TO GET HOME EARLY AND SURPRISE HER HUSBAND, BUT
WHEN SHE GOT TO HER BEDROOM, SHE HEARD A MUFFLED NOISE FROM INSIDE.
SLOWLY AND QUIETLY, SHE CRACKED OPEN THE DOOR AND WAS MORTIFIED TO SEE
HER HUSBAND IN BED WITH HER BOSS! GENTLY, SHE CLOSED THE
DOOR AND CREPT OUT OF HER HOUSE.
THE NEXT DAY, AT THEIR COFFEE BREAK, THE BRUNETTE AND REDHEAD PLANNED
TO LEAVE EARLY AGAIN, AND THEY ASKED THE BLONDE IF SHE WAS GOING TO GO
WITH THEM.
"NO WAY," THE BLONDE EXCLAIMED. "I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!"
A
Anonymous
Guest
It's only 40 miles from where I live!
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hits Essex
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Saturday 27th March 2004.
Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “fockin mentoe”, “innit” and “cont”.
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.
One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “ It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers),
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hits Essex
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Saturday 27th March 2004.
Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “fockin mentoe”, “innit” and “cont”.
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.
One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “ It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers),
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.
A
Anonymous
Guest
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
FOR SALE
One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type),in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off .. again). One careless owner, details from Clive, Tel.Twickenham 20-14.
FOR SALE
100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001 and 2003/2004 ) Contact : RFU, Twickenham.
LOST
(on way to Twickenham)
(i) Plan B
(ii) Graciousness
(iii) Bottle.
Please contact : L. Daglalio, C. Woodward.
MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD
49,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened in 2000 in Edinburgh, Wembley in 1999 and Landsdowne in 2001.
IN MEMORIAM
Slam, G : passed away, 7th Feb 2004.
Sorely missed by Clive and the boys.
FOR SALE
One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type),in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off .. again). One careless owner, details from Clive, Tel.Twickenham 20-14.
FOR SALE
100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001 and 2003/2004 ) Contact : RFU, Twickenham.
LOST
(on way to Twickenham)
(i) Plan B
(ii) Graciousness
(iii) Bottle.
Please contact : L. Daglalio, C. Woodward.
MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD
49,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened in 2000 in Edinburgh, Wembley in 1999 and Landsdowne in 2001.
IN MEMORIAM
Slam, G : passed away, 7th Feb 2004.
Sorely missed by Clive and the boys.
Alf
Established Member
Ooo, cruel...
I suppose we'll have to comfort ourselves with England winning the Hong Kong Rugby Sevens - again 8) :wink:
I suppose we'll have to comfort ourselves with England winning the Hong Kong Rugby Sevens - again 8) :wink:
A
Anonymous
Guest
Dear New South African Comrades,
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman naked other than his wife, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Saturday at 4:00 pm all women living in South Africa are asked to walk out of their houses, completely naked, to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all South African women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack of castle at your side would be a further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The South African Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless South Africa!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY !
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman naked other than his wife, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Saturday at 4:00 pm all women living in South Africa are asked to walk out of their houses, completely naked, to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all South African women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack of castle at your side would be a further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The South African Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless South Africa!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY !
A
Anonymous
Guest
For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free ... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "*******!" afterwards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of our local rednecks, Billy Joe Bob, while a total silly person, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he could paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not willing to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "*******!" afterwards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of our local rednecks, Billy Joe Bob, while a total silly person, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he could paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not willing to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!
A
Anonymous
Guest
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa and takes her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and, before long, discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground nearby, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride and a look of terror comes over him. The leopard slinks away into the trees and says to himself, "Whew! That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection, so he takes off after the leopard. But the dachshund sees him heading after the cat and figures something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of, and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
The dachshund sees the leopard coming toward him, with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that f**king monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground nearby, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride and a look of terror comes over him. The leopard slinks away into the trees and says to himself, "Whew! That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection, so he takes off after the leopard. But the dachshund sees him heading after the cat and figures something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of, and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
The dachshund sees the leopard coming toward him, with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that f**king monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT
Jaco
Established Member
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
- Status
