Twas the month after New Year's, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your tattoos and piercings. I now
realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held
a job. I am sure,too,that some other very nice people live under the
bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry
you instead of going to university on a scholarship. After all, you
can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how
backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Alfred (Your future father-in-law.)
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery last week.
The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man
around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to
the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of
the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers,
weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles
came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only
fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a
lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly
squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the
prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you
such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue!"
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it
Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, BOMB IRAQ
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea looks too risky,
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with all the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding it ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) Double yellow lines .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his car……. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah
I realize that this is for submissions of jokes, but I came across this
important scientific study that people should be aware of:
Recently, Scientists in United Kingdom suggested that the results of a
recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.