Joke thread

[mikej460]

 

[Robbo3]

Sign in a Shoe Repair Store
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[Vann]

...At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee...

I know those are American jokes, but I TIRE of them not being adapted for the mostly English audience here.

Cheers, Vann.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Robbo3]

CHURCH PARKING LOT SIGNS


"CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!"

"No God - No Peace
Know God - Know Peace"

"Free Trip to Heaven
Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays.
They're better than Dairy Queen's."

"Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags.
You have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Fight Truth Decay
Study the Bible Daily"

"How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch _ _ ch.
What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?
Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?
Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.
Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord.
The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world"

An ad for one church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When a restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"PASTOR'S SPOT
YOU PARK, YOU PREACH"

 

[Doug B]

 

[treeturner123]

View attachment 125451

I hope this result was reported on the NHS web site!!

Happy New Year All

Phil

 

[Cozzer]

"Ears pierced while you wait...."

 

[Cabinetman]

Took me a minute to get that one – very good

 

[Jameshow]

Is this a 240 or 415v table saw.....

Google spoils it ......

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Multico-...2349624.m46890.l49286&mkrid=710-127635-2958-0

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 125564

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[graduate_owner]

More signs

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."