Joke thread

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

Sorry folks, boring though it may be, I find myself in complete agreement with Phil Pascoe - and others.

Ditto re the Dinosaurs and Reindeer and Comet above. OK, I'm old, and a thicko it seems, but really I just don't get that one either. Where's the joke?

'Comet' was one of Santa's reindeers, but ('allegedly') dinosaurs became extinct when a comet hit the Earth, so I guess that a joke about comets made by a dinosaur to an audience of fellow dinosaurs, would go down as well as did the cartoon in this thread to some who viewed it. I quite like cryptic witticisms and irony, so it raised a smile with me and got my vote.

 

[Cozzer]

View attachment 128737

Brilliant!
And topical too!

Only yesterday was it reported that, in future, a million will be suffixed by "mn" as opposed to just m.
This is to tie in with a billion being noted as "bn", and a trillion being "tn"....
Apparently some folk were getting confused with metres, miles and millions.....

(And no, I don't understand that either...)

 

[Thingybob]

If we keep analizing every post we might as well turn this forum into a woodworkers site ( off topic is the thread not a mandatory to every post )

 

[Jameshow]

Here's a few to get us through the drought.....

My workmate from Warsaw has just got divorced from his childhood girlfriend,
he said they were Poles apart...
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Me and the Mrs were in town earlier when this woman came over and said to her:

"Your husband reminds me of my cat"

"Don't tell me" she said "smooth, sleek and loyal?"

"No" she laughed "they both like sitting in the tree outside my bedroom window"
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What do you call an Irish man with acne?
Dermot Itis...
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[kinverkid]

I was in the supermarket when an attractive lady came up to me and said 'You're the father of one of my children'. I frantically thought back to the only time I had been unfaithful. I said 'Were you the stripper that came to my stag-do who stripped me, bent me over the snooker table and slapped me with a wet lettuce leaf?' She said 'No, I'm a teacher. Your little boy is in my class.'

 

[Linus]

I was in the supermarket when an attractive lady came up to me and said 'You're the father of one of my children'. I frantically thought back to the only time I had been unfaithful. I said 'Were you the stripper that came to my stag-do who stripped me, bent me over the snooker table and slapped me with a wet lettuce leaf?' She said 'No, I'm a teacher. Your little boy is in my class.'

Aaaah that's more like it. Keep them coming

 

[Jameshow]

It's OK for the government to take wine to work and have a good old time, but when I did it on the no 17 to Manchester passengers complained like ****.
One rule for ministers and their cronies but another for hard working bus drivers...
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I'll believe a salad is "to die for" when someone on death-row chooses one for their last meal !
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How do dragons blow out the candles on their birthday cakes?
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The guy who invented Chinese Whispers has died.
Pass it on...
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[Thingybob]

Thats more like it after a hard day being sheparded round Ikea im in need of a good chuckle thanks lads

 

[1steven]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[TRITON]

Was just reading a report in the local paper of someone who has been murdered using a belt sander.

The accused has said he didn't mean to kill him, he only meant
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
to rough him up a bit.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Ozi]

Apologies, I started typing my reply ages ago, and got diverted by grandchildren and a firmware update...

I think directing was much funnier, assumed it was intentional

 

[kinverkid]

I think directing was much funnier, assumed it was intentional

I recognised the original quote and also realised that maybe the auto-correct had kicked in with the in-correct word. But, my vision of showing a frog to a busy road and its inevitable demise was funnier.

 

[Jameshow]

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes.
So what makes women think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, looks good with your dress?
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Has anyone in Stoke lost a flat ginger cat and some flies?
They're on the A34 by Tesco...
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I could have been a boxer, just like my father.
He could have been a boxer too...
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Vegetable patches are pointless.
I can give up vegetables easily without them...
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What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell...
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Worlds surfing championship in Tonga won by some bloke on a wardrobe...
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My menopausal wife has done nothing but complain since we've moved next door to a brothel.
It must be the whor moans...
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My email password has been hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat...
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The police knocked on my door this morning.
“Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” they asked.
“No, I said.”
“What about G.D. then?”
“No means nothing to me,” I said.
“How about A.J.?”
“Look,” I said, “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” They said, “These are just initial inquiries.”
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Entomology professor; 'A single ant can live to be 29 years old Student; 'What about a married one?

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Jameshow]

Precision....

https://www.gumtree.com/p/power-saws/precision-table-saw-unused-1600-watt-10-inch-blade/1425310824

 

[1steven]