user 38384
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Joke thread
- Thread starter Noel
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Terry - Somerset
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RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to John Lewis. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from John Lewis:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to John Lewis. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from John Lewis:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
bushwhaker
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jameshow
Established Member
BG???
stuart little
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
....and there was me believing that jokes were supposed to be funny and easily understood by the majority, rather than initiative tests to see how clever you can be? Or am I getting old? (Rhetorical, I know the answer to that!)
MARK.B.
Established Member
When I walk to my local pub it takes 5 minutes to get there, when I walk home it takes around 45 minutes to 1 hour , the difference is truly staggering .
user 38384
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bushwhaker
Established Member
Still no wiser - what's MP?
stuart little
Established Member
That's what I thought!BG=Bulgaria.
stuart little
Established Member
Member of Parliament?????
AES
Established Member
Sorry folks, boring though it may be, I find myself in complete agreement with Phil Pascoe - and others. Let's take the Greta Thunberg "joke" as one example - she's Swedish I think. So why would she have anything to do with Bulgaria? And, QUOTE: "After one term OF MP" ... UNQUOTE (and my caps for the "OF"): How is any of this even logical (you can't be an MP OF anything can you)? To me it's not only not at all funny, it ain't even logical I don't think!
Ditto re the Dinosaurs and Reindeer and Comet above. OK, I'm old, and a thicko it seems, but really I just don't get that one either. Where's the joke?
But please don't bother to explain that if the "explanation" turns out to be just like the Greta Thunberg joke, 'cos I probably still won't get that one either.
So for the benefit of old fuddy duddies like me, can we please go back to funny jokes - preferably those with words in them (though I didn't get the cartoon with cats and "Potluck" either - no doubt something to do with cannabis, but I didn't get it - why do 3 cats each have a mouse necklace in the first pic but only 2 cats in the 2nd)?
But I DID enjoy the clip of BJ and his upside-down umbrella (even though I saw it on TV some time back), so there MAY be some hope for me yet?
BUT I guess you're going to have to write me off until I find some more that are - IMO - funny. (Like french fries in Wiltshire, which was not mine - I got it from ISIHAK - but which I posted here and which Robbo3 then pinched to re post a few weeks later)!
But like it says in the rules, different folks have different ideas about what's funny/isn't funny.
Vann
Established Member
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
I think if we get into trying to define what’s funny this thread will quickly lose it’s appeal.
IMHO it’s best just to raise an eyebrow at something I think is an unfunny attempt at humour and move on. The thing that really does wind me up is when I get sent a good meme and then find @Doug B has beat me to posting it
IMHO it’s best just to raise an eyebrow at something I think is an unfunny attempt at humour and move on. The thing that really does wind me up is when I get sent a good meme and then find @Doug B has beat me to posting it
AES
Established Member
Yes I think you've just confirmed that you are indeed an old fuddy duddy
Ahh, so that's what that was about. All I get is...
View attachment 128607
Cheers, Vann.
Well thanks for your agreement Vann - "It'll be your turn too one day my boy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry you couldn't see the video clip mate. It was only BJ acting (being????) the clown once again. You didn't miss much.
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