Joke Thread 4
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Blackswanwood
Still Learning
I didn't make the piggy connection I looked up Arby's and saw they made a sandwich called a slider. I have an understanding of Stuarts world now!
stuart little
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Oh the Grand Old Duke of York.
He had ten million quid.
He gave it to a woman he never met,
for something he never did.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition.
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog s***e, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't ever get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog s***e, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't ever get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
Australia (As Labeled By A Brit)
HappyHacker
Established Member
A young Ausi woman tells her mother that she is going to marry a man from the UK. Her mother is horrified and says "You can't, that's where all the convicts come from "
Jaco
Established Member
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Justin and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Justin came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure," said John.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother, which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Justin, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Justin.
But the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Lesson of the day... Don't Lie to Your Mother
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Justin and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Justin came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure," said John.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother, which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Justin, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Justin.
But the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Lesson of the day... Don't Lie to Your Mother
Doug B
Shy Tot
MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
Hey! Something's wrong here: that's EIGHT jokes in a row without any serious comments. Is this a record? 
?
Misdemeanour?
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
It's another one where you have to be up on North American slang.
https://images.fineartamerica.com/i...weiner-apparel-hotdog-food-gift-michael-s.jpg
Doug B
Shy Tot
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave".
The rabbi is impressed, and says "Let's try it together this evening".
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave".
The rabbi is impressed, and says "Let's try it together this evening".
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
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