Joke Thread 4

[paulrbarnard]

Mine soaks up my beer quite well

And then there were all those books

Rusty bed Springs

by I P Nightly
--------
The Cats Revenge

by Claude Balls
---------
Swimming the Channel

by Eileen Dover
---------

etc.etc.

Russian Rugby by Ivan Knockabolocoff.

 

[Cozzer]

Not forgetting the two Scottish "just friends", Ben Doone and Phil McCracken....

 

[Daniel2]

 

[Daniel2]

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

Me as a Viking

 

[John Brown]

Useful when your pet killer whale has constipation, I believe.

 

[TRITON]

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
[email protected]
[email protected].

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation.

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.Wearthem one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom,in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 000 and ask if 000 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the office, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

31. When next in line for the ATM, announce loudly "More money has come out" the last person quickly turns back around

 

[TRITON]

Impromptu snow angel

 

[TRITON]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Cobbs]

Love the fact I learned form Radio 4 yesterday, that Uranus gets its colour from methane clouds...

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Jaco]

​

Employee Evaluations

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely
a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot
was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an silly person.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.



......................................................................................................................................................



A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager
goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he
does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her
duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The
"Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman
he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up
the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the
problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up
from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just
hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of
fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the
new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[TRITON]

​

I know of a reference the guy i was working for sent about another employee.
"Given the choice between employing Alan, or employing a monkey, I would choose the monkey every time."

 

[stuart little]

Not forgetting the two Scottish "just friends", Ben Doone and Phil McCracken....

Oh yes, and, John Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzjohn!

 

[Thingybob]

Alpaca who?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Mustache who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

Orange who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad we're telling jokes?

Adorable who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Adorable.
Adorable who?
A-door-bell don't work, that's why I knocked!

Owls who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Owls.
Owls who?
They sure do!

Tank tank?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You're welcome!

Luke who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and find out.

A broken pencil who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind, it's pointless.

Tat who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tat.
Tat who?
No thanks, I'm afraid of needles.

Spell who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-h-o.

Candice who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?

Kanga who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo.

Figs who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken.

Simon who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Simon.
Figs who?
It’s Garfunkel to do with you.



Doors open.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go ......................

We are crowd funding for the taxi fare

 

[Jaco]

We are crowd funding for the taxi fare

You need to first buy me a business class ticket on BA to get there