stuart little
Established Member
Canaries are going cheap!
Joke Thread 4
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
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stuart little
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
--and stepping on a rake!
I can't abide Greg Wallace, his gurning act makes me pukeHow long before HE'S discontinued!(Gary Lineker)
Not soon enough, he's a loudmouth two-hat!!
PhilTilson
Established Member
Why? What do you hope to achieve, other than a load of people answering back? Just move on!
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Perhaps the site could supply us with an additional " I'm offended " emoji. Then we could signal our distaste and move on, without the need for protracted discussions, as to who is occupying the moral high ground.
stuart little
Established Member
Is that Grommet's pal?
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
I'm not offended, but would like to make the point that jokes about "Gypos" or folk who have different views on gender to you, are effectively taking the moral high ground. Many of these jokes used to exist as racist slurs, back when I was a kid, and I've no doubt that they still do. In fact I'd be prepared to wager that, had this forum and the internet existed back then, it would've been chock full of racist jokes, but attitudes have slowly changed, and even the most crass contributors to the joke thread would think twice before posting such material these days.
Merry Christmas! I can't wait for all those cracker jokes tomorrow!
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Jaco
Established Member
ADAM & GOD.
So, God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to
make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you
discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
.................................................................................................................................................
One day,during a lesson on proper grammar,the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"in the same sentence twice.
First,she called on little Suzie,who responded with,"My father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie,"replied the teacher.
She
then called on little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
"Excellent, Michael!" he said.
Then the teacher called on little Johnny.(sigh, here comes the censors)
"Last night, at the dinner table,my sister told my father that she was pregnant,and he said beautiful,.......just f...ing beautiful!"
..........................................................................................................................................................
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow, I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family-but that's it, no other excuses."
A smart-**** in the in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does it's best to stifle their laughter and snickering and when the silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
..............................................................................................................................................................
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you
up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
..............................................................................................................................................................
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
....................................................................................................................................................................
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the
salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your b***s and give you headaches!!"
............................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Off to the workshop.
So, God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to
make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you
discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
.................................................................................................................................................
One day,during a lesson on proper grammar,the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"in the same sentence twice.
First,she called on little Suzie,who responded with,"My father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie,"replied the teacher.
She
then called on little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
"Excellent, Michael!" he said.
Then the teacher called on little Johnny.(sigh, here comes the censors)
"Last night, at the dinner table,my sister told my father that she was pregnant,and he said beautiful,.......just f...ing beautiful!"
..........................................................................................................................................................
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow, I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family-but that's it, no other excuses."
A smart-**** in the in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does it's best to stifle their laughter and snickering and when the silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
..............................................................................................................................................................
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you
up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
..............................................................................................................................................................
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
....................................................................................................................................................................
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the
salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your b***s and give you headaches!!"
............................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Off to the workshop.
Or, just simply ignore them!!!
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
niemeyjt
Established Member
Be careful - you'll offend the members here who belong to the Prince Andrew Appreciation Society.
Sachakins
The most wasted of days is one without woodwork
A total membership of one
Doug B
Shy Tot
.
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Cabinetman
Established Member
Frank Kelly RIP, the actor who played the old drunk in Father Ted.
If this doesn’t make you laugh there is absolutely definitely something wrong with you! And it’s topical.
If this doesn’t make you laugh there is absolutely definitely something wrong with you! And it’s topical.
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