Another Joke

[Linus]

Just a word to the youngsters

Subject: FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS LEARNED FROM GROWING OLD

Too many real ones for this to be funny, let’s call it a documentary.

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

[Sandyn]

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded Peek-a Boo virus. I'm being transferred to ICU.

 

[Sandyn]

Just to remind everyone that the diarrhoea awareness week starts on Monday. Runs until Friday.

 

[gwaithcoed]

Chap goes to the doctor to ask about his hereditary diarrhoa. Doctor says diarrhoea isn't hereditary.Chap says its in my jeans

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t mistake your hand sanitizer
For ya bottle of lube

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Linus]

View attachment 103495

Is there an "Ouch" emoji?

 

[Doug B]

Is there an "Ouch" emoji?

i get loads of jokes everyday to my phone Valentine’s Day seemed to produce some rather venomous ones this year, I did like this one.

 

[dzj]

 

[Linus]

i get loads of jokes everyday to my phone Valentine’s Day seemed to produce some rather venomous ones this year, I did like this one.

View attachment 103616

Would any resultant fatalities be classed as Covid related?????

 

[AES]

Would any resultant fatalities be classed as Covid related?????

"If the death occurred within 28 days of a positive Covid test". Come ON, wake up at the back there, pay attention. That phrase has been repeated on every BBC news bulletin I've seen during the last (seems like "couple of million") years!

 

[Cordy]

I was doing a crossword in the pub, and said to my Scottish mate Alex “I'm stuck on one across,
trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.

Alex said “Marooned”

I said “Thank you. I’ll have a large single malt please!”

 

[niemeyjt]

It Snowed Last Night

8:00 - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crews from BBC, ITV, CNN and Sky showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By Noon it had all melted

Moral: There is no moral to this story.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[mikej460]

 

[niemeyjt]

Alexa, find me a movie.

Siri: Who is Alexa?

Sorry, I meant Siri.

Siri: Who... Is... Alexa?

Please find me a movie?

Siri: Why don't you ask that b1tch Alexa to find you a movie?