• We invite you to join UKWorkshop.
    Members can turn off viewing Ads!

Another Joke

UKworkshop.co.uk

Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:

Status
Not open for further replies.

Cordy

Established Member
Joined
1 Dec 2014
Messages
1,062
Reaction score
145
Location
Wigan
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son.

When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, "God, I wish that I'd used a condom now"

My wife was aghast and said, "What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?"

I replied "No --- I've got his girlfriend pregnant"
 

Cordy

Established Member
Joined
1 Dec 2014
Messages
1,062
Reaction score
145
Location
Wigan
I got up for the toilet in the night and noticed a stranger sneaking around in next doors garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and whacked him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him

Astonished I got back into bed.
-- My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied

" that Moron next door has still got my bleedin' shovel!!"
 

Robbo3

Established Member
Joined
28 Jan 2012
Messages
2,133
Reaction score
204
Location
Oxfordshire
Seems you've brought this thread back from the dead :) ... so on that note

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
 

Robbo3

Established Member
Joined
28 Jan 2012
Messages
2,133
Reaction score
204
Location
Oxfordshire
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 

whiskywill

Established Member
Joined
8 Nov 2011
Messages
1,802
Reaction score
2
Location
Sunny South Wales
Robbo3":3ujq9ngu said:
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
A late friend of mine did have that tune at his funeral. It was played just as the coffin disappeared being the curtain at the crematorium.
 

DTR

Established Member
Joined
11 Mar 2011
Messages
1,870
Reaction score
7
Location
Essex
Robbo3":1g81pmkr said:
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit........'
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Garno

Grumpy Old Git
Joined
21 Oct 2017
Messages
1,308
Reaction score
265
Location
Dronfield
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT,
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute.
You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?
 

Cordy

Established Member
Joined
1 Dec 2014
Messages
1,062
Reaction score
145
Location
Wigan
On his tour of Ireland...

the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down

"I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it" he replied
 

Cordy

Established Member
Joined
1 Dec 2014
Messages
1,062
Reaction score
145
Location
Wigan
"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna"

I said,"Yeah, I know"
 

Robbo3

Established Member
Joined
28 Jan 2012
Messages
2,133
Reaction score
204
Location
Oxfordshire
Famous Sayings

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
- This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
- Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
- And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.

5. US PGA Commentator
- One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said?

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
- You'd eat beaver if you could get it.

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
- So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
- Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
- There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
- Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: - They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
- Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
 

AES

Established Member
Joined
18 Feb 2011
Messages
4,754
Reaction score
311
Location
Switzerland, near Basel
The Chemist.

Arriving home after work a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone, and I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Mad as hell, the husband drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.

But before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute, Sir, hear my side of it first please".

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late starting my day.

Without any breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I hd to break a window to get my keys."

Driving a bit too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then about three streets from the shop I had a flat tyre.

When I finally got to the shop a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.

Then I had to break open a roll of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing on and on.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing, no let up.

And I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.



Believe me Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

AES
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top