Marmite Cheeses anyone?

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Walney Col

Established Member
20 Apr 2014
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Walney Island, South Cumbria
I only realised while I was eating them what a truly acquired taste marmite really is.

My first reaction was "ooo... these are mild" but I was already eating them by then and you wanted the FULL review so here it is;

"WTF?" he thought as he eyed up the suspiciously familiar logo on the packaging.
You'd have thought that having lost his last top tooth quite a few years previously he might have already anticipated the first problem. But no...
"How the heck am I supposed to get into this!"
He tried my best to bite into one (he honestly did) but all no no avail, the cheeses were slimmer than the gap left by his much missed teeth.
"No problem" he thought, "I'll just break a lump off".
"On no you won't" said the cheese as it squidged(1) and yielded between his finger and thumb as only squidgy a thing could.
And of course it was only A TEST after all, he couldn't just shove the whole thing in as if it wasn't poisoned could he!
"What you trying to do with that?" she said, "you're making a right mess".

A slice of bread and butter later (kindly provided by she who must be obeyed along with a knife and a plate) left him pondering who the hell the target dynamic for such an improbable product was while he sliced the hapless cheese into infinitely smaller and smaller pieces. He never did get them neatly arrayed on his bread to his total satisfaction but time was pressing on and there was probably a limit to how long "a snack" was supposed to take to prepare so he cut the preparation short and decided to just go for it.

"Ooo... these are mild" he thought as the first hint of marmite came through. "Not exactly my favourite sort of cheese (cheddar is strictly for toasting "oop north") but at least there no worrying hints of chocolate."
As the second bite went in he found himself wishing they'd used PROPER cheese. Some Wensleydale or Cheshire or even *spit* Lancashire for which he had a fondness bordering on treason given that he'd been born on the lucky side of the great northern divide.

"And that's what's wrong with the word today", he thought as he munched size doesn't fit all and it never will. Every true believer knew instinctively from birth exactly how much Marmite constituted "the right amount" just as they knew by precisely what percentage the missus was off in the automatically kept marmite intake log compiled each and every supper time.

And then there was the cheese factor...

How presumptuous to assume that cheese would ALWAYS be wanted with marmite and HOW SCANDALOUS to assume that CHEDDAR would somehow be up to the challenge!!!

The second and third ones he just bunged in and sucked to death with a worried frown as the obvious difficulties of putting to rights a world that contained not only marmite cheese but marmite EASTER EGGS GODAMMIT weighed heavily on his shoulders.

He looked at the clock half hoping it was going to tell him how much longer he'd have to put up with such nonsense but it offered no more solace than the usual countdown to supper time reading which managed to raise a wry smile despite his sad predicament.

"Mind you", he thought, "it's probably fine for southners. A puny cheese and not enough of the good stuff would be a great move if your intention was to bolster the egos of countless hitherto marmite deprived individuals by dropping the hint that there was now a pain free way to get into the Marmite Club.

"Yeah, that's probably it." he thought as he returned to the daily grind.

"Got to pity those poor southern though, a good stiff dose of the real macoy is exactly what some of em need."

"I wonder if it's all part of a plan to get it into the House of Commons"?



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I have a couple of old 'Marmite Cubes' tins, which recommend mixing with hot milk... WTF?