Jokes

[brianhabby]

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear'
who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear'
who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"


regards

Brian

 

[SketchUp Guru]

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'. 'After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman come across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'' Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'

 

[Woodmagnet]

:lol:

 

[woodbloke]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.



But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with t he other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love your son Joshua.





P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[Pip]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money!!!!!

 

[Racers]

Hi,

I was driving a mate up the motorway the other day and when he saw a car on the hard shoulder he said to me "ever broken down on the motorway?" "no" I replied "but I have cried on an A road"


Pete

 

[brianhabby]

Then there was the cowboy who walked into the German car showroom and said - -




"Audi"

 

[RogerM]

I read the other day that the owl population is down after all the heavy rain last summer. The problem was, apparantly with the male owls. It was too wet to woo.

 

[brianhabby]

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and some rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

 

[Racers]

Hi,

I was in a taxi on the motorway the other day and I said to the driver "you used to be a DJ didn't you?" "how did you know that?" he said "you stop talking under bridges" I replied.


Pete

 

[brianhabby]

At a catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:

"Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a student had placed a sign saying:

"Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

regards

Brian

 

[BradNaylor]

Two woman are chatting over a cup of coffee. One complains of having a terrible sore throat.

'Oh, I get those a lot' says her friend. 'I just give my husband a blow job and the sore thoat disappears every time. You ought to try it!'

A week later they meet again. 'How's the sore throat'

'I took your advice and it worked a treat. I gave your husband a blow job and the sore throat vanished. He couldn't believe it was your idea, though!'

 

[Steve Maskery]

Little Johnny went to school on Monday morning with a black eye.

"What happened to you, Johnny?", said his teacher.

"Well ,Miss", said little Johnny, " I was sitting in Church yesterday behind this big lady, Mrs. Johnson, and I noticed that here dress was stuck in the crack of her bum, so I pulled it out. She turned round and hit me!".

"Well", said his teacher, "There is a lesson to be learned there isn't there? I know you meant well, but it's rude to do that, I hope you won't do it again".

The next Monday little Johnny turns up to school with TWO black eyes, real shiners.

"What on earth happened to you this time, Johnny?", said his teacher.

"Well, I was in Church yesterday sitting behind Mrs. Johnson again", said Johnny, "and I noticed that her dress was caught in the crack of her bum. So I pulled it out. But then I remembered what you told me, Miss, and that is was rude to do that, so I pushed it back again".

 

[Digit]

I couldn't laugh, it was a bit too near home for me.
I was pushing grandson round Tesco this morning when he lent over the side of the trolley and poked this lady's derrière! She swung smartly round and glared at me till she realised who had done it, when she broke into a big smile!
Saved! Fortunately at 23 months he's a bit young to sign the sex offenders register. :lol:

Roy.

 

[Good Surname or what ?]

I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.

The clue I need help with is....

"Busy Postman"

 

[Slim]

I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.

The clue I need help with is....

"Busy Postman"

Shall I fall for this one?

How many letters?.... :lol:

 

[Good Surname or what ?]

I'm stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle.

The clue I need help with is....

"Busy Postman"

Shall I fall for this one?

How many letters?.... :lol:

He's got sacks full! :lol:

Thanks Slim, it's hard to do an interactive joke by forum post.

 

[filsgreen]

My daughter sent me these in an email. Well, I liked them! Particularly finding "x".

Sorry everyone, had to bump this one!! ROFL :lol: :lol:

Phil

 

[dennis]

This guy went to a monastery in Tibet to become a monk.

On arrival he had to take a vow of silence and was not allowed to speak for 10 years.

After 10 years he was summoned by the abbot and allowed to say 2 words.

He said, bed's hard. To which the abbot replied, bless you my son, now back to your duties.

After another 10 years he was again summoned by the abbot to say his 2 words.

He said, food's awful. To which the abbot said, bless you my son, now back to your duties.


After yet another 10 years he was again summoned by the abbot to say his 2 words.


He said, I'm leaving. To which the abbot said, thank god for that, you,ve done nothing but complain since you got here.



Dennis

 

[iajon69]

Wedding Dress

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mam, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure..'

The son thanks his Mam and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'