Jokes

[Russell]

Understanding Engineers - Take one

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus where one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[Digit]

The CIA finds that it has an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside that room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This damn gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[Pip]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching himself, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and shortly returned to his class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the classroom.
The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting there at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

[les chicken]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.








The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

 

[Slim]

:lol: Nice one :lol:

 

[herdsman]

 

[gwaithcoed]

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big
storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he
saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate
for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and
closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John,
paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window,
but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the
road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to
it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
one said to the other...


“Look Paddy there’s the bloody silly person that jumped in the car while we were pushing the bloody thing”

Alan.

 

[Pip]

Mick runs into the pub and shouts "Paddy, somebody's just pinched your car"
Paddy asks "Did you see who it was?"
Mick replies "No, but I got the registration number"

I'll shut the door behind me!

 

[Digit]

As we're on Irish jokes,

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

 

[gwaithcoed]

Fellow decides to commit suicide,wifes left him ,lost his job, house has been reposessed and he's just had his car stolen.
So after downing half a bottle of whisky he staggers to a bridge over a 100ft deep gorge intending to jump.
He climbs the parapet and sits on the ledge where he falls asleep.
Next thing he knows someone is shaking him and telling him to wake up.
He opens his eyes and sees this geogeous blonde who is asking him what he's doing.
When he tells her he is going to jump she replies "Oh no your not ,you're coming with me, I'll look after you."
She leads him to her car and drives him back to her house. There she gets him into a hot bath and afterwards as they sat on the couch she tells him it's time for bed.
"Do I sleep on the couch ?" he asked
"No she replied you're coming to bed with me"
They get into bed but he's still very puzzled and lies with his back to her.
" don't be like that " she said "everything is going to be alright, roll over"
He rolled over and fell the 100ft into the gorge.

Alan.

 

[brianhabby]

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -

"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

regards

Brian

 

[BradNaylor]

Did you hear about Paul McCartney buying Heather Mills a plane for her birthday?





He bought her a Ladyshave for the other leg...

 

[Slim]

Did you hear about Paul McCartney buying Heather Mills a plane for her birthday?





He bought her a Ladyshave for the other leg...

Oooo... Not very PC... but very funny! :lol:

 

[hobbler]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport, and taking his seat as
he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and
bingo!
she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation,
he blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm
going
to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he
had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it's
the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it
is
the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry", she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos ... but my friends
call me Paddy."

 

[RATWOOD]

Poor old macca

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce, and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long!' She said
in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped.'

'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend, 'she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this..'

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. 'She's terrible' a source stated, 'always trying to
get her leg over'.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get
home at night and find her legless.'

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A gold miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his
mate 'I'm finished! Who will want a one legged gold digger?' His mate
says 'try Paul McCartney.'

And finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and....
her leg fell in the river!

 

[brianhabby]

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the
words:

"hiss and hearse"

regards

Brian

 

[momo]

I just got barred at B&Q today, some tw*t in an orange apron
asked me if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in.........

 

[brianhabby]

The owners of the house that was destroyed by a plane in Kent have issued a statement.

They said the next time they go on holiday they'll remember to turn the landing light off

regards

Brian

 

[Terry Smart]

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS.......

Friendship between Women;

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two
said that he was still there.

 

[Steve Maskery]

Amazing Elephant Story

I am not going soft, but sometimes I like these heart-warming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.