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A man goes to Confession.

He says to the Priest, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Last night I made love to twins half my age, in positions that I think may be illegal, over and over again".

The Priest thinks for a few minutes, then says "Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice from them into a glass, then drink it".

"Will that absolve me from my sins Father?" asks the man.

"No", replies the Priest, "but it will wipe the smile off your face".

smiling-twins.jpg



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Ok i swear to you this is a true story. . . .

A millionaire walked into a New York bank, and enquired about borrowing $5,000 . When the branch manager asked what was the reason for borrowing the money he replied i fancy a trip round Europe for 2-3 weeks.

They spoke about the interest that would be added to the 5k and it worked out that it would be only $37 if borrowed for only 2 weeks.

The branch manager said the bank would need some collatoral against the 5k borrowed, the millionaire agreed and said i will leave my Ferrari Testarosa which was parked outside the bank. The branch manager told him it would be stored safely in a secure underground car park until the man returned.

So it was agreed and the millionaire borrowed the 5K and off he went round Europe, sure enough the millionaire came back after his holiday and approached the branch manager with the 5k, the bank gave him the keys back to his Ferrari.

Just as the man was leaving to collect his car the branch manager asked him, just out of curiosity . . . why did you borrow 5k ? Its not like you needed it !

The millionaire replied and said "you try and find a safe place to leave a Ferrari for 2 weeks in New York for $37"



The cheap B@stard !!!!!! (thats why he is a millionaire)

its a true story as well
 
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Nottingham and Sheffield,
stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Volvo every year and his wife with a Renault Espace to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.
 
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zip was down and his fly area wide open...... His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'. He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my BMW parked in there? She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres!"

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duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any F ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any F ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fuc*ing beak to the bar, you irritating bas**rd of a F ing bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

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After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter,reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping


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Eli died.

So his wife went to the local paper to post the sad news.

'What would you like to say?' said the sub-editor.

'I'm not sure. How about "Eli Died"' she said.

'Mmm..bit terse' he replied 'and besides we have a £10 minimum order for five words'.

After a few minutes thought, she said 'OK. I know what to say. "Eli Died. Volvo For Sale'
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

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60 yrs of NHS (National Health Service)Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

"Do you Know which ward she is in?''

Yes, ward P, room 2B''

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?''

I would Just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was
wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.''

Oh that's wonderful news I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?''

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in here...'

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, 'Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?' 'I'm sorry,' replied the hunchback, 'but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!'

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. 'I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.' With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. 'Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.' Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:




















'Master, ... The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

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Employees at Bradford and Bingley were a little shocked to hear the unexpected news of a takeover by the Santander Group. A spokesman said "Nobody expected the Spanish acquisition!"

Sorry

Bob
 
Does everyone like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it was a mistake. His wife Coleen was offered £500,000 by Playboy to shave her tw*t! :lol: :lol:
 
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