Jokes

[Woodmagnet]

 

[christoph clark]

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Derek Willis.]

Subject: Johnny



A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?


Derek.

 

[SketchUp Guru]

Why Men don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile
down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the woman from next door. I am
32, my husband is 34, and we have been ma rried twelve ye ars.

When I confronted him, he broke down and a dmitted they had been having an
affair for the last six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?

Sincerely,

Betsy


========================



Dear Betsy:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety
of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line.

I hope this helps.

 

[Pip]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

 

[filsgreen]

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'


'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.


The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'


'I can't water out of it,' he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[Shadowfax]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, puppy.

 

[loftyhermes]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

 

[Woodmagnet]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Derek Willis.]

Sometimes they get better.
Derek.

 

[BradNaylor]

[-X


Beyond the pale, mate!

 

[brianhabby]

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the dangers of drink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently,

"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

:lol: :lol:

regards

Brian

 

[Doug B]

Checking my lottery ticket last night, i casually asked the good lady wife what she would do if i won the lottery?
She replied, "divorce you & take you for half the money"!!!
I showed her the winning ticket, with three numbers, gave her a fiver, & offered to help her pack.

 

[mailee]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

 

[christoph clark]

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together.


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his
Apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
Bedroom is



Completely filled with soft, sweet,
Cuddly teddy bears.




There are three shelves in the
Bedroom,



With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched



By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.




There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,




Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,



And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy



To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,



She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.



But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,



After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,



'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips




He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
Builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom



Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,



Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:








'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'

:lol: :lol:

 

[christoph clark]

Following the introduction of a new concept in seatbelt design and a significant reduction in the number of accidents during an extensive trial period, safety campaigners are trying to get the law changed to make the new belts compulsory in all vehicles

 

[Travis]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each
other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that
seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them
easy...So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to
play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls
out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he
friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the senior
and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes
right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Senior citizens.

 

[John. B]

Why did the chicken cross the road? >

> BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
>
> JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
>
> SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.
>
> HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
>
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
>
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing?
>
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
>
> AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
>
> OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
>
> ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>
> DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.
>
> JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
>
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
> JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
>

> COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[Derek Willis.]

I liked this one,
Derek.


A handsome dude named Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
> He
> sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
> The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering story of a
> man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
>Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
> The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
> swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 toBob,saying,
> 'Fair's fair. Here’s your money.
>Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the5 PM news
> and so I knew he would jump.'
>
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it
> again.'
>Bob took the money.

 

[Doug B]

I asked the wife this evening what she would like for Christmas?


She answered that she would like a divorce!


I told her i wasn`t planning on spending that much!!!!!!!!!!!