RogerS
Established Member
Knock...knock
Who's there?
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson who?
You're on the jury
Who's there?
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson who?
You're on the jury
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Jaco
Established Member
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the cust odian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the cust odian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Jaco
Established Member
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Jaco
Established Member
AGE
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to Cape Town because it's cool
2005: Moving to Cape Town because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things.
The people who are starting university in February across the nation
were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had M-Net or Sky.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to Cape Town because it's cool
2005: Moving to Cape Town because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things.
The people who are starting university in February across the nation
were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had M-Net or Sky.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
I know that the sound file is rather large (4.3Mb), but I found it very amusing! 
http://home.comcast.net/%7Escottruff/voicemail18412.wav
Ray.
http://home.comcast.net/%7Escottruff/voicemail18412.wav
Ray.
RogerS
Established Member
Allegedly a true story. Tony Blair while visiting troops in Iraq was approached by a couple of marines who asked him if they could have a photo. Tony replied 'Yes, of course, that's what I'm here for' whereupon they handed the camera to him :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:trevtheturner
Established Member
Brilliant, Ray - that is absolutely hilarious. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Trev.
Trev.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant. "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant. "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Battle of Trafalgar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous victory over the French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar.
Imagine what would have happened if the HSE had been in existence then......
You are on the Poop Deck of the newly renamed HMS Appeasement!
(N) = Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.
(H) = Hardy - Aye Aye, sir
N - Hold on – that’s not the original message I dictated to my signals officer
H – Sorry, sir
H - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist
N - Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H - Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N - In that case, break open a cask or rum. Let’s splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.
N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.
N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!
H- That won't be possible sir.
N - What?
H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N - Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H – Unfortunately, he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
H - Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
H – Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N - Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H - A couple of problems there, too sir. Health and Safety won't let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven't you seen the adverts?
N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N - What? This is mutiny.
H - It's not that sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and Spanish?
H - Actually sir, we're not…
N - We're not?
H - No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.
N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You could be up on a disciplinary.
N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
H - As explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.
N - What about sodomy & other homosexual acts ?
H - I believe they are to be encouraged sir.
N - Thank God for that. In that case; kiss me, Hardy, and take me from behind !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous victory over the French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar.
Imagine what would have happened if the HSE had been in existence then......
You are on the Poop Deck of the newly renamed HMS Appeasement!
(N) = Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.
(H) = Hardy - Aye Aye, sir
N - Hold on – that’s not the original message I dictated to my signals officer
H – Sorry, sir
H - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist
N - Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H - Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N - In that case, break open a cask or rum. Let’s splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.
N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.
N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!
H- That won't be possible sir.
N - What?
H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N - Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H – Unfortunately, he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
H - Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
H – Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N - Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H - A couple of problems there, too sir. Health and Safety won't let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven't you seen the adverts?
N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N - What? This is mutiny.
H - It's not that sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and Spanish?
H - Actually sir, we're not…
N - We're not?
H - No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.
N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You could be up on a disciplinary.
N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
H - As explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.
N - What about sodomy & other homosexual acts ?
H - I believe they are to be encouraged sir.
N - Thank God for that. In that case; kiss me, Hardy, and take me from behind !
Taking a walk in an absolutely deserted local park, I found an almost brand-new tennis ball. I put it in my trouser pocket and continued walking. Soon, I met a woman I knew slightly and we exchanged pleasantries. Then, pointing to the protrusion, she asked "What's that you've got there?"
"Tennis ball," I replied.
"I bet that's painful," she said. "I've had tennis elbow so I can only imagine what that must be like."
Ray.
"Tennis ball," I replied.
"I bet that's painful," she said. "I've had tennis elbow so I can only imagine what that must be like."
Ray.
Steve Maskery
Established Member
The wife's joke...
What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
One is weasily identifiable and the other is stoatally different.
I'm off on hols...
S
What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
One is weasily identifiable and the other is stoatally different.
I'm off on hols...
S
RogerS
Established Member
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an silly person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an silly person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU
G
Guest
Guest
A top doctor was visiting a mental hospital on a routine inspection. As he walked around he commented on the superb layout and condition of the flower beds and hanging baskets. "Ah yes" replied the hospital superintendent" Charlie, one of the inmates does them"
"I'd like to meet Charlie" said the doctor. Charlie was duly presented to him. "how long have you been in here ?"the doctor asked "About 20 years"replied Charlie. "You seem very lucid and sane to me" said the doctor"I'm going to look into your case and see if we can't get you out. "Great "said charley "thank you very much" As the doctor and his entourage moved away the doctor was felled by a brick on the back of his head. As he was helped up he heard Charley saying"Don't forget your promise"
"I'd like to meet Charlie" said the doctor. Charlie was duly presented to him. "how long have you been in here ?"the doctor asked "About 20 years"replied Charlie. "You seem very lucid and sane to me" said the doctor"I'm going to look into your case and see if we can't get you out. "Great "said charley "thank you very much" As the doctor and his entourage moved away the doctor was felled by a brick on the back of his head. As he was helped up he heard Charley saying"Don't forget your promise"
Jaco
Established Member
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and
walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh,"
replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-
Type Jag
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on
his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier." she replies.
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and
walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh,"
replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-
Type Jag
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on
his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier." she replies.
Jaco
Established Member
> >A dad walks into a market with his young son. The
> kid is holding a 50
> >cent piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
> blue in the face.
> >
> >The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and
> starts panicking,
> >shouting for help.
> >A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
> woman in a blue
> >business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
> market reading her
> >newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound
> of the commotion,
> >she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
> saucer, neatly folds the
> >newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
> from her seat and makes
> her way, unhurried, across the market.
> >
> >Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of
> the boy's testicles
>
> >and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
> ever more firmly. After
>
> >a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
> coughs up the 50c piece,
> >which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
> Releasing the boy, the
> woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
> >coffee bar without saying a word.
> >
> >As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
> lasting ill effects,
>
> >the father rushes over to the woman and starts
> thanking her saying,
> >"I've never seen anybody do anything like that
> before, it was
> fantastic.
> >Are you a doctor?"
> >
> >"No," the woman replies. "I work for the South
> African Revenue
> Service."
> kid is holding a 50
> >cent piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
> blue in the face.
> >
> >The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and
> starts panicking,
> >shouting for help.
> >A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
> woman in a blue
> >business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
> market reading her
> >newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound
> of the commotion,
> >she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
> saucer, neatly folds the
> >newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
> from her seat and makes
> her way, unhurried, across the market.
> >
> >Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of
> the boy's testicles
>
> >and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
> ever more firmly. After
>
> >a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
> coughs up the 50c piece,
> >which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
> Releasing the boy, the
> woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
> >coffee bar without saying a word.
> >
> >As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
> lasting ill effects,
>
> >the father rushes over to the woman and starts
> thanking her saying,
> >"I've never seen anybody do anything like that
> before, it was
> fantastic.
> >Are you a doctor?"
> >
> >"No," the woman replies. "I work for the South
> African Revenue
> Service."
RogerS
Established Member
A blonde was sitting in first class flying in a plane when the stewardess came up to her and said to her "I'm sorry Madam but you're in the wrong seat. You only have an economy ticket and so I must ask you to return to your proper seat".
To which the blond replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".
In exasperation the Stewardess asked the Purser to speak to the blonde. He said to her" Madam, I must insist that you return to your proper seat. it's not fair on the other passengers who paid the proper price for these First Class seats.
Again the blond replied " As I told your colleague. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".
So the purser went to the pilot to explain the predicament. The pilot said "Leave it to me. I'm married to a blonde and so I know how to handle her".
The pilot left his seat and went and whispered in the blondes' ear.
"Well!!" she said " why didn't the others just say that?". She got up and went back to Economy without another sound.
The purser asked the pilot what he'd said to the blonde.
"Simple" replied the pilot. "I just told her that First Class wasn't flying to New York".
To which the blond replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".
In exasperation the Stewardess asked the Purser to speak to the blonde. He said to her" Madam, I must insist that you return to your proper seat. it's not fair on the other passengers who paid the proper price for these First Class seats.
Again the blond replied " As I told your colleague. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to new York and I'm not moving".
So the purser went to the pilot to explain the predicament. The pilot said "Leave it to me. I'm married to a blonde and so I know how to handle her".
The pilot left his seat and went and whispered in the blondes' ear.
"Well!!" she said " why didn't the others just say that?". She got up and went back to Economy without another sound.
The purser asked the pilot what he'd said to the blonde.
"Simple" replied the pilot. "I just told her that First Class wasn't flying to New York".
Jaco
Established Member
Women can be so creative......... THE CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all
ofthe curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners
were hungeverywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut
their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were
to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including
the curtain rods.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all
ofthe curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners
were hungeverywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut
their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were
to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including
the curtain rods.
The Princess's Problem
Once upon a time there lived a king. He had a beautiful daughter, the princess, but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was delighted and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man who brought his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel, but alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard but held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed; indeed, everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question:
What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
V
V
V
V
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?
Once upon a time there lived a king. He had a beautiful daughter, the princess, but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was delighted and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man who brought his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel, but alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard but held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed; indeed, everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question:
What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
V
V
V
V
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?
RogerS
Established Member
Nice one, Gill.
Chap goes into an Outdoor Clothing Specialist shop.
He says to the shop assistant..."I'm looking for a camouflage jacket"
Shop assistant replies "Good, aren't they"
Chap goes into an Outdoor Clothing Specialist shop.
He says to the shop assistant..."I'm looking for a camouflage jacket"
Shop assistant replies "Good, aren't they"
StevieB
Established Member
Hmm, I would have given the princess water to touch. Guess thats why I didnt marry a princess!
Steve
Steve
- Status
