Chap rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' he says, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the 2012 London Olympic games but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."