Joke Thread 4

RupertV · 3 Apr 2024

AES said:
IMO, nothing wrong with showing your age mate. Although many say "different jokes appeal to different folks", I THINK I'm right in saying that "everybody" got at least several laughs out of Muir and Norden each time they appeared. They were simply GOOD. Which again IMO is a lot more than can be said for many of the jokes that appear in this thread. Even some of the "off topics" are MUCH more amusing/interesting than some of the "jokes".

RupertV · 3 Apr 2024

Even some of the "off topics" are MUCH more amusing/interesting than some of the "jokes".
I'm with you on that one...

Doug B · 3 Apr 2024

Cozzer · 3 Apr 2024

Bloody women...
Some are never happy, are they?!
My wife's birthday recently, and I splashed out on a new bag and belt for her.
Ungrateful?
Not many! Done nothing but moan about them since!

Well, at least the vacuum cleaner's working again....

Jaco · 4 Apr 2024

Question: What is really the oldest profession in the world?
Answer: Traffic cop.
Why? It says in Genesis 3:4 " ... and I saw the evil spirit standing behind a bush"

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."

It's a few minutes before Sunday service.
Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church.

Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate.

Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is.

He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies: "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for
all eternity?" persists Satan.
Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"
"Nope."
Perturbed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years."

Jaco · 4 Apr 2024

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards
the end of the program had already won £500,000.

You've done very well so far," said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for £1million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use me last lifeline and phone
me friend Paddy back home in Dublin". Mick called up his mate, and told him
the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know pineapple-all about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy.

"Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a Fookin clock