Joke Thread 4
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MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
@artie and @stuart little why don't you form and moderate Joke thread #5? We'd all understand the jokes then and not be offended by any of them.I don't get that one.
Me and Stuart (Stuart and I) should form a club
Jaco
Established Member
Ok chaps, fall inline, shape up and keep this a "Joke Thread".
Apologies, no pictures, so you gonna have to read .........................
Best Day Golfing
A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up
to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer
to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested and
suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a
very close match ensues.
She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then
offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all
it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks
him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed
herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything".
He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a oral pleasure.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggest they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent
day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight round of golf.
Again she pips him at the last, and again he drives her home, and
again she goes down on him in appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly everyday.
This is a sore point for his male ego, but nevertheless in the car
home on Friday he tells her that he had such a fine week that he has a
surprise planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a
night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits
the truth.
You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves
violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses
madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry" she repeats.
"You turnip," he screams (rather red in the face), "you cheating turnip, you've been playing off the ladies tees all week!"
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Little Johnny was sitting in the dirt tormenting ants and spiders and things,pouring liquid on them and watching them sizzle.
The parish priest,Father Murphy,walked past and enquires,"Whats in the bottle Johnny?"
"Sulphuric acid,Father", said the boy with savage glee.
The priest wishing to deter the lad from these savage entertainments,said "You shouldn't use that.You should use this wonderful Holy Water I have here in this bottle."
"What bloody goods that?" the lad asked querulously.
"Well," said the priest,"Yesterday I poured some of this on a womans stomach,and she passed a baby!"
"Thats nuthin,"said Johnny,"I poured some of this on a cats **** and it passed a f****** motorbike!"
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads!
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
The Sultans eunich maker hired an apprentice and they were on their way to create some new eunichs.
How do you make a eunich? enquired the apprentice. Simple, replied the master, you sit them on this special stool with a hole in the middle and when the family jewels drop through you take these two bricks and bang them together from either side. The apprentice cringed and said, but doesn't that hurt?. Only if you get your thumbs caught was the reply.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
A woman is shopping in the local hardware store.
She selects nails,some screws, a hammer, and a screw driver.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay,a drunk standing behind her in line watches.
"You must be single," he slurs.
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on
Earth did you know?"
"Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Apologies, no pictures, so you gonna have to read .........................
Best Day Golfing
A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up
to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer
to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested and
suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a
very close match ensues.
She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then
offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all
it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks
him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed
herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything".
He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a oral pleasure.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggest they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent
day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight round of golf.
Again she pips him at the last, and again he drives her home, and
again she goes down on him in appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly everyday.
This is a sore point for his male ego, but nevertheless in the car
home on Friday he tells her that he had such a fine week that he has a
surprise planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a
night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits
the truth.
You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves
violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses
madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry" she repeats.
"You turnip," he screams (rather red in the face), "you cheating turnip, you've been playing off the ladies tees all week!"
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Little Johnny was sitting in the dirt tormenting ants and spiders and things,pouring liquid on them and watching them sizzle.
The parish priest,Father Murphy,walked past and enquires,"Whats in the bottle Johnny?"
"Sulphuric acid,Father", said the boy with savage glee.
The priest wishing to deter the lad from these savage entertainments,said "You shouldn't use that.You should use this wonderful Holy Water I have here in this bottle."
"What bloody goods that?" the lad asked querulously.
"Well," said the priest,"Yesterday I poured some of this on a womans stomach,and she passed a baby!"
"Thats nuthin,"said Johnny,"I poured some of this on a cats **** and it passed a f****** motorbike!"
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads!
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
The Sultans eunich maker hired an apprentice and they were on their way to create some new eunichs.
How do you make a eunich? enquired the apprentice. Simple, replied the master, you sit them on this special stool with a hole in the middle and when the family jewels drop through you take these two bricks and bang them together from either side. The apprentice cringed and said, but doesn't that hurt?. Only if you get your thumbs caught was the reply.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
A woman is shopping in the local hardware store.
She selects nails,some screws, a hammer, and a screw driver.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay,a drunk standing behind her in line watches.
"You must be single," he slurs.
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on
Earth did you know?"
"Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Was he any relation to Almond Andrews?
RobinBHM
Established Member
short joke
Venison’s dear isn’t it?
Venison’s dear isn’t it?
RobinBHM
Established Member
even shorter joke
stationery shop moves
stationery shop moves
RobinBHM
Established Member
shortest joke
dwarf shortage
dwarf shortage
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
AES
Established Member
I neither understand nor ever will the meaning of 'w o k e', all it means to me is something I do every morning!
No! it's something you DID every morning!
Hat .......... coat .................
Jester129
Established Member
How long before HE'S discontinued! 
(Gary Lineker)
Not soon enough, he's a loudmouth two-hat!!
(Gary Lineker)Not soon enough, he's a loudmouth two-hat!!
Doug B
Shy Tot
The three wise men arrive at the stable and file through the door. The last one in was a bit too tall and cracked his head on the lintel, crying out in his pain, "Jesus Christ!"
"Mary," shouts Joseph, "Write that down - that's better than Colin!"
"Mary," shouts Joseph, "Write that down - that's better than Colin!"
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Keith Cocker
Established Member
You disagree with what he says then do you?How long before HE'S discontinued!
Not soon enough, he's a loudmouth two-hat!!
Lard
Established Member
Good god! Be very careful as some one here will take offence with that as, even though it's intended as a joke, you've insinuated that only women do the washing up.
Shame on you.
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