Joke Thread 4

[Jaco]

Cricket​

Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q: What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A: Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q: What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q: What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q: What is the difference between Cinderella and the Poms?
A: Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q: What's the difference between the Poms and a funeral director?
A: A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

 

[Jaco]

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........



BUMP........


BUMP........





Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP........


BUMP........


BUMP........





He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.


Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.





BUMP........



BUMP........





BUMP........





He could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started walking faster.........




BUMP........BUMP......



BUMP........BUMP.....



BUMP........BUMP......





The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......





BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......


BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......



BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......



He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.





Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.





Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin bashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...





The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty bang, the bathroom door flew off its hinges....



The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......



He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......



Still it came…..



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....



Still it came......





BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it.



Still it came......



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...





He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........





The coffin stopped.

 

[Jaco]

How woodworkers choose their wives​

A certain woodworker had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one he wanted to marry, so he gave each of them $5000 to see what she would do with it.

The first one came back and said "Darling, I've spent the $5000 on planting seedlings of the most beautiful cabinet timbers for you. As our love grows, so will the trees, and you will have a valuable asset in your old age.

The second one came back and said she'd spent the money on buying top of the line tools and equipment for the woodworker, so that he would always be happy, and think of her whenever he was working.

The third one came back an told him she'd spent the money on setting up a gallery where he could sell his work. "When people come to see your work, they'll also see how much in love we are.

The woodworker thought about what they'd each done, and finally married the one with the biggest boobs.

 

[Jaco]

About 65 years ago we went to visit Grandma and Grandpa, we were on a gravel road, just through an intersection and we got a puncture.
After Dad changed the wheel Mum looked at him and said "didn't you see the sign warning of a fork in the road?"

 

[Jaco]

Irish Fire Dept​

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started
inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret
formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I
will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Irish rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Irishmen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement,
that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek
engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it
drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Irish old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Irish old timers had extinguished the fire
and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Shamus O' Foggerty, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first
ting we gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f...ing truck!

 

[Amateur]

 

[Cozzer]

I decided to ring the BBC Help Line for drugs advice.






The recorded message told me to press the hash key.

 

[dzj]

 

[stuart little]

A few quickies:

Wrong Number:

Having just settled into his new office, a pompous newly promoted Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling he’d sufficiently impressed the young airman, he brusquely asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two begin playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After getting the first question wrong, the blonde asks the professor "What goes up a hill wet, then comes down the hill dry?" The professor spends the whole flight trying to solve the riddle, but eventually gives up and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill when the plane lands.

As she stands up to leave, the professor asks "So what does go up a hill wet, then down a hill dry?" ...at which point the blonde takes out a dollar and hands it to him with a wink.

Pretentious jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Someone called me pretentious today.
I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

What do you call a pretentious burglar falling down a flight of stairs?
A condescending con descending.

Russian nesting dolls are so pretentious.
They're so full of themselves.

I met my old Maths teacher in town yesterday.
He asked me for directions to the theatre. I told him make a 299 degrees turn, walk for 290 meters, then subtend the angle of X using Pythagoras Theorem and round it up to the nearest degree using tan ∆. From that point, draw a parabolic curve, walk 342 meters on its major axis and bisect the straight road at an obtuse angle. That's where the theatre is.

I just wanted him to feel like I felt when I was in his class at school.

I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.
Now I know how Canada feels.

What is a word meaning "an obnoxious person", beginning with
C-U-?
'Customer'.

How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.

Up the hill wet, down dry ?

 

[Alex H]

 

[Southdownswolf]

Up the hill wet, down dry ?

She tricked the professor.
He gave her $100 because he didn't know the answer.
Then he asked her and she didn't know the answer. So she have him $1 back.
She is $99 up

 

[Brains]

View attachment 170229

Use it to mash potatoes.

 

[TRITON]

 

[Yorkieguy]

Up the hill wet, down dry ?

The professor didn’t know the answer, which cost him $100 - the blonde didn’t know either, which cost her $1. Not such a dumb blonde. (Not being a professor, you’ve just lost a dollar too Stuart!)

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

my partner sent me this one

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Ozi]

Measure twice ... Cut once...... Spot the mistake when the glue is half set

Should have posted this in the last thing I made thread but...