Joke Thread 4

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Doug B]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[TRITON]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Doug B]

 

[bushwhaker]

One day, an old lady walks into the National Bank of Canada with a big bag full of money. She insists on speaking to the bank president because she wants to open a savings account and claims she has a lot of money.
After a lot of talking and arguing, an employee takes the old lady to the president's office.
The president asks her how much money she wants to contribute.
She replies $165,000 as she leaves the money on his desk.
Curious, he asks her how she managed to collect so much money.
The old lady tells him that she is making a bet.
The president, rather surprised, asks her: "How exactly do you bet?"
And the old lady replies, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The President starts laughing and says that such bets cannot be won!
The old lady replies, "Do you want to make a bet then?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet you $25,000 that my testicles aren't square."
The old lady tells him: "Okay, I agree, but since the amount is quite large, I will come to check tomorrow at 10:00 with my lawyer as a witness, if it does not make you feel uncomfortable."
"No problem," says the President of the Bank.
That night, the president is very nervous about the bet. He spends a lot of time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them to different sides, looking at them from different angles, just to make sure that his damn testicles can't be seen as square in any way, and to be sure, that he will win the bet.
The next day at exactly 10:00 the old lady and her lawyer arrive at the president's office to confirm the bet.
The President confirms the previous day's bet of $25,000 if his testicles are square.
The old lady asks the president to take off his pants so she and the lawyer can see everything and he does.
She comes closer and asks if she can touch his testicles or not.
"Of course!" says the president, because he is an honest person, "since the stake is quite large, you must be 100% sure".
And the old lady begins to feel his testicles with a smile...
At that moment, the president sees the old lady's lawyer turn pale and start banging his head against the wall.
He asks her why the lawyer is reacting this way.
And she answers him:
"Maybe because I bet him $100,000 that at about 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the testicles of the President of the National Bank of Canada!"

 

[Alex H]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phill05]

In a very seductive voice the wife asks her husband "Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gives him a sexy little smile, undoes the three buttons of her blouse then slowly dropping it to the floor showing her cleavage takes off a lovely little £20 bra and throws it all crumpled up on the bed.

He picks up the £20 bra and smiles approvingly.

She then asks "Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"

"No" he said in anticipation.

She gives him another sexy little smile, unhooks her skirt and dropping it to her feet, peels off her lovely £50 silk stockings and panties and throws them all crumpled up on the bed.

He picks up the £50 stockings and panties and holds them to his nose and his blood pumps a little faster.

"Then," she said " Have you ever seen £40,000 all crumpled up?"

"Never" he said becoming even more excited and trying hard to imagine what she would do next.



"Take a look in the garage" she replied.

 

[Phill05]

Mothers letter to her son.​

Dear son, just a few lines to let you know I am still alive, I went to the doctors on Thursday as I have not been feeling too well, your father came with me, the doctor put something up my backside and a tube in my mouth and told me not to talk or sit down for 10 minutes, your father offered to buy them from him.

Your father got a new job, he must be good at it as he has 500 people under him he cuts the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, I haven't found out yet if it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle, I am writing this slowly as I know you can't read very fast.

You won't know the house when you come home as we've moved, this new place is nice, it even has a new fangled washing machine but not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and we've not seen them since.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your uncle Tom said it would be too heavy to mail out to you with such big buttons on, so I cut them off and hid them in a pocket.

We had another letter from undertaker: he said if last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes.

Till next time, Your loving mother.

P.S. I was going to send you five pounds but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[dzj]

 

[RogerS]

One day, an old lady walks into the National Bank of Canada with a big bag full of money. She insists on speaking to the bank president because she wants to open a savings account and claims she has a lot of money.
After a lot of talking and arguing, an employee takes the old lady to the president's office.
The president asks her how much money she wants to contribute.
She replies $165,000 as she leaves the money on his desk.
Curious, he asks her how she managed to collect so much money.
The old lady tells him that she is making a bet.
The president, rather surprised, asks her: "How exactly do you bet?"
And the old lady replies, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The President starts laughing and says that such bets cannot be won!
The old lady replies, "Do you want to make a bet then?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet you $25,000 that my testicles aren't square."
The old lady tells him: "Okay, I agree, but since the amount is quite large, I will come to check tomorrow at 10:00 with my lawyer as a witness, if it does not make you feel uncomfortable."
"No problem," says the President of the Bank.
That night, the president is very nervous about the bet. He spends a lot of time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them to different sides, looking at them from different angles, just to make sure that his damn testicles can't be seen as square in any way, and to be sure, that he will win the bet.
The next day at exactly 10:00 the old lady and her lawyer arrive at the president's office to confirm the bet.
The President confirms the previous day's bet of $25,000 if his testicles are square.
The old lady asks the president to take off his pants so she and the lawyer can see everything and he does.
She comes closer and asks if she can touch his testicles or not.
"Of course!" says the president, because he is an honest person, "since the stake is quite large, you must be 100% sure".
And the old lady begins to feel his testicles with a smile...
At that moment, the president sees the old lady's lawyer turn pale and start banging his head against the wall.
He asks her why the lawyer is reacting this way.
And she answers him:
"Maybe because I bet him $100,000 that at about 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the testicles of the President of the National Bank of Canada!"

No jokes like the o;d jokes and a very welcome respite from all the visual gags now coming. Is this a sign of the times ? What happened to words ? Is attention span so short that an image is needed to show...now where was I ?