Joke Thread 4

[stuart little]

View attachment 164504

Ahh, bet it didn't flatten the battery!

 

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[dzj]

 

[philogos]

A fanatical golfer goes to Las Vegas on holiday. He meets a beautiful woman and, after just two days, they get married. As they are on the plane on the way to the UK he realises that he has to tell her about the golf.
"There's something I haven't told you,," he says. "I'm a golfer. I play every day. Two rounds a day at the weekend. Can you live with that?"
"I've something I need to confess as well," she answers. "I'm a hooker."
"No problem. You just have to rotate your body more and open the face of the club."

 

[Doug B]

 

[astrecks]

Warning: Do not attempt to retell this joke from memory after a few pints - you will forget part of the punchline.

A man sits down in a restaurant and after looking over the menu decides upon the squid. The waiter disappears and comes back with a tank full of them and asks which one sir would like.
A bit perturbed, the diner inspects the creatures and spies a pale olive coloured one with an enormous moustache, "I'll have that one" he says.
The waiter fishes it out, disappears into the kitchen and hands it to the chef.
Chef raises his cleaver, looks the squid in the eye and says 'I don't know what's come over me, I can't do it'
Slightly miffed, the waiter goes over to the German intern and interrupts him from his pot washing - 'just kill this for chef will you' he says
The intern grabs the cleaver, raises it and finds that he too can't bring himself to do the deed.
Quite unhappy now, the waiter returns to the diner and asks if he'd mind choosing a different one.
'What's wrong with my first choice?' he asks
'Oh nothing at all sir, its just Hans that does dishes can be soft as your face with mild green, hairy-lipped squids'

I'm here all week
Which is convenient seeing as that's about how long that took to type!

The chef's name is Gervais...
'Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais with mild green hairy-lipped squids'.

 

[dzj]

 

[Cordy]

I now identity as a donkey

My pronouns are he/haw

 

[Doug B]

 

[JimJay]

View attachment 164597

Dropping the "t" in "tsunami" is akin to pronouncing "home, hot, hope" etc without the "h"......

 

[niemeyjt]

Silent as P in bath - allegedly.

 

[John Brown]

The chef's name is Gervais...
'Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais with mild green hairy-lipped squids'.

Probably best if forgotten completely. Along with other tortured wordplay, like the cat who chewed your new shoes.
Just my opinion, and laying myself open to "let's see you do better".
On the other hand, I used to enjoy the improvised phrase mangling by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir at the close of "My Word!" on The Home Service, maybe because it was improvised, or possibly because I was nine.

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 164667

Umm, ? ?
?

 

[stuart little]

What do you call a cat n a chemist's?











Puss in Boots! Boom-Boom!

 

[treeturner123]

Probably best if forgotten completely. Along with other tortured wordplay, like the cat who chewed your new shoes.
Just my opinion, and laying myself open to "let's see you do better".
On the other hand, I used to enjoy the improvised phrase mangling by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir at the close of "My Word!" on The Home Service, maybe because it was improvised, or possibly because I was nine.

I remember them with a great deal of fondness. What wonderful wordsmiths they both were.

The one I still remember was the, Frank Muir suggestion, as the the origin of 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'. The explanation was a number of things he had to remember when his wife returned from holiday

Soup
A cauli flower
Fridge, to be mended with
Elastic band
Eggs
Peas
Halitosis tablets for the dog!!!

Phil

 

[Yojevol]

Probably best if forgotten completely. Along with other tortured wordplay, like the cat who chewed your new shoes.
Just my opinion, and laying myself open to "let's see you do better".
On the other hand, I used to enjoy the improvised phrase mangling by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir at the close of "My Word!" on The Home Service, maybe because it was improvised, or possibly because I was nine.

The one I remember from Frank Muir, almost word for me word, is the derivation of the book title '1984'. A long and convoluted tale involving Cornish birds, political parties, Tintern Abbey and London mud worms but the punch line was:-
NINE TERN ATE EFOR
Brian