Travis
Established Member
Saw this up on the internet and thought I would share::::::
> Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty
> fades, so will his eyesight.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like
> shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never
> wear the same outfit in public.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I
> want to move in with them.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
> thing that keeps some parents going.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank
> has just been robbed.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
> to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut
> up.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job
> the next day.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin
> in the steam iron.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How
> about short and cheap?
> Phyllis Diller
>
> His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate
> Pearl Harbor.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a
> trick knee.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep
> away from children.
> Phyllis Diller
> I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours
> ago it was grass.'
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you
> can't see him laughing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
> Phyllis Diller
> Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty
> fades, so will his eyesight.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like
> shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never
> wear the same outfit in public.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I
> want to move in with them.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
> thing that keeps some parents going.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank
> has just been robbed.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
> to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut
> up.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job
> the next day.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin
> in the steam iron.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How
> about short and cheap?
> Phyllis Diller
>
> His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate
> Pearl Harbor.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a
> trick knee.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep
> away from children.
> Phyllis Diller
> I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours
> ago it was grass.'
> Phyllis Diller
>
> The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you
> can't see him laughing.
> Phyllis Diller
>
> You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
> Phyllis Diller
