Legal advice

[BradNaylor]

Congratulations to your friend, Tom.

They are very much the exception rather than the rule, however. Having the financial resources to keep a legal case going for 18 months obviously helps. My friend, along with many in a similar situation, hasn't got a pot to pi55 in!

In any legal grey area such as this, the winner will more often than not be the one with the deepest pockets.

The fact remains, no matter how well your lawyer argues your particular case, the legal rights of a co-habitee are far less than those of a partner in a marriage.

Soulfly was quite correct in what he said and you owe him an apology.

Cheers
Brad

 

[wizer]

I wasn't aware you was a lawyer Duncan? None of us are qualified to comment.

 

[Vormulac]

Thank you for your comments everyone. It's certainly not a black and white situation; we have two small children, she is the major breadwinner and therefore principal bill payer, but with the exception of the building of the conservatory most of the maintenance over the last 8 years has been down to me.
I'm hoping I'm jumping the gun in finding out about this stuff, I hope we can work through this (she's been having a relationship with a co-worker) as we're due to get married in 6 months time.

A very sad Vormy.

 

[wizer]

Jesus Christ. I feel for you mate. It's never happened to me but my Dad has been through two divorces for the same reasons. The second nearly killed him. Luckily as time moves on you start to see things in better light and he's now married for the third time and like a little kid.

Everyone is different. But personally I couldn't continue a relationship once that had happened. It would be dead for me at that point.

Whatever you do, shield your kids from it as much as possible. You really can't imagine what it does to them.

 

[Dibs-h]

Thank you for your comments everyone. It's certainly not a black and white situation; we have two small children, she is the major breadwinner and therefore principal bill payer, but with the exception of the building of the conservatory most of the maintenance over the last 8 years has been down to me.
I'm hoping I'm jumping the gun in finding out about this stuff, I hope we can work through this (she's been having a relationship with a co-worker) as we're due to get married in 6 months time.

A very sad Vormy.

Really sorry to hear that mate. If you were to fight for custody do you think you'd win? If so - the house would remain with the children's primary care giver.

I do hope you can work thru it - even in such circumstances and if you can't at least be amicable for the children's sake.

 

[wobblycogs]

Thought this might be of interest to you Vormulac. I had to have a read up about some of these matters for other happier reasons and I was pretty surprised by what I read. As I understand it although this site isn't run by the Government they sponsor it so the advice should be good (I got to it from a Government site).

http://www.advicenow.org.uk/

in particular

http://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/breaking-up/

I suggest you take legal advice though.

 

[wizer]

I agree with Wobbly. You need to see a solicitor NOW. It pays to get in there as early as possible and get advice. Be completely open and honest with them and ask what your options are. My Dad got some good advice as soon as he found out about the 2nd affair that saved him some headaches

 

[Vormulac]

Thanks guys, I'll check out those links Wobbly.

I have always said that if this happened in a relationship it would be curtains, no ifs, no buts - but when it actually does happen every shade of grey imaginable comes into play and the last thing I want to do is to bail out.

Just a pity I had to find out on the day we picked up the wedding ring I had made for her, I'll never look at that ring without thinking of this.

 

[Dibs-h]

Thanks guys, I'll check out those links Wobbly.

I have always said that if this happened in a relationship it would be curtains, no ifs, no buts - but when it actually does happen every shade of grey imaginable comes into play and the last thing I want to do is to bail out.

Just a pity I had to find out on the day we picked up the wedding ring I had made for her, I'll never look at that ring without thinking of this.

I think when there are no kids involved - it's easier done than said, but when children are involved it's easier said than done.

Might be worth looking into some marriage counselling\guidance, that is if you both see a future together. Otherwise clapping one-handed is a bit hard work, children or no children,

Feel for you there mate and I really do hope there is light at the end of the tunnel - sh*tty crimbo, but get your legal advice. Seeing as you don't work you should be eligible for legal aid, which should be one headache less.

 

[Karl]

Sorry to hear that V.

Like others have said, i'd recommend seeing a good family lawyer asap. A lot of solicitors have a free initial consultation, so it wouldn't cost you anything to find out where you stand.

Cheers

Karl

 

[Jake]

Sorry to hear this, Vormulac.

Like PAC1 I am way out of my area.

I think it will depend on your financial contribution or quasi-financial contribution (i.e. doing things to maintain or improve the property).

There won't, I think (but my view is no better than lay on this), be any consideration of the contribution to the 'success of the couple' like there is in marriage when one partner gives up work. I suspect that element is what Duncan and Wizer were cross-purposing about.

I would worry about this later and focus on trying to rescue the relationship, if that's what you want to do. Going to law is never a good option, it's a last ditch fall-back.

 

[big soft moose]

I would worry about this later and focus on trying to rescue the relationship, if that's what you want to do. Going to law is never a good option, it's a last ditch fall-back.

I agree with jake on this point - assuming you can forgive her infidelity and she wants to end said relationship and make yours work then that needs to to be your main focus.

and like others said couples counselling may be the way forward.

Once you start getting solicitors involved the relationship is shot and its just a legal fight on who gets what assests.

That said there is no reason why you shouldnt consult a solicitor (without your partners knowledge) simply to find out where you do stand if things go south.

 

[Vormulac]

I think when there are no kids involved - it's easier done than said, but when children are involved it's easier said than done.

Might be worth looking into some marriage counselling\guidance, that is if you both see a future together. Otherwise clapping one-handed is a bit hard work, children or no children,

Feel for you there mate and I really do hope there is light at the end of the tunnel - sh*tty crimbo, but get your legal advice. Seeing as you don't work you should be eligible for legal aid, which should be one headache less.

Sorry, I worded that very badly; I gave up my chosen career to be with her, I would be a senior engineer or project leader (middle management) by now had I stayed there, but I have been working in IT for the Health Department for the last 5 years - the money is a joke and that's why she pays most of the bills (and owns the house).

Contrary to what I always imagined, I think I can forgive the transgression, but I have to be very firm that if there is so much as a sniff of this again I'm gone and she can deal with the fall-out.

 

[Dibs-h]

I think when there are no kids involved - it's easier done than said, but when children are involved it's easier said than done.

Might be worth looking into some marriage counselling\guidance, that is if you both see a future together. Otherwise clapping one-handed is a bit hard work, children or no children,

Feel for you there mate and I really do hope there is light at the end of the tunnel - sh*tty crimbo, but get your legal advice. Seeing as you don't work you should be eligible for legal aid, which should be one headache less.

Sorry, I worded that very badly; I gave up my chosen career to be with her, I would be a senior engineer or project leader (middle management) by now had I stayed there, but I have been working in IT for the Health Department for the last 5 years - the money is a joke and that's why she pays most of the bills (and owns the house).

Contrary to what I always imagined, I think I can forgive the transgression, but I have to be very firm that if there is so much as a sniff of this again I'm gone and she can deal with the fall-out.

If you were to go forward - it might not be a bad idea to seek some sort of assurances that it would never happen again - i.e. the legal type. I'm thinking along the lines of (I know now is not the best time) but getting married, putting the house in joint names, etc. i.e. there are consequences to things, whereas now the reality is that other than on a personal level there may not be.

Getting married might not seem a clever idea - but it does potentially give the sense of starting again - if you know what I mean.

 

[woodbloke]

Sorry to hear that V.

Like others have said, i'd recommend seeing a good family lawyer asap. A lot of solicitors have a free initial consultation, so it wouldn't cost you anything to find out where you stand.

Cheers

Karl

V - I can't offer anything of real use to this conversation except to agree with others to see a good family lawyer asap.
As Tom has said, try and shield the children as much as possible.
Hope everything works out for you - Rob

 

[wobblycogs]

I'm with dibs on this one I think. If you choose to go forward I think you need to have the assets you both work for jointly owned jointly. I forget exactly what it's called but when you buy a house they offer you three choices on how to register it's ownership: single owner, joint and shared. IIRC shared was the most beneficial and it lets you choose what percentage each partner owns.

It is possible to overcome this if you both want it enough but it takes a long time to mend. Hope it works out for you.

 

[wizer]

Yes, I guess I agree. Despite my earlier comments about rights out of marriage, it would be a good way to (re-?)solidify your relationship and give you some security.

 

[BradNaylor]

Have the other bloke killed and then marry her.




It worked for that Scottish feller in Coronation Street...



... I think :roll:

 

[wizer]

I think that just might work Brad. :lol:

 

[Vormulac]

Don't think I haven't thought about it. Much as I am a hands-on kind of guy, I know a couple of ex-marines who excel at these matters...