Jokes

UKworkshop.co.uk

Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

woodman2

Established Member
Joined
24 Nov 2010
Messages
132
Reaction score
10
Location
Devizes, Wilts
For my sins I am Seniors Section golf captain for 2012. Tradition dictates that when we play another club we have a sit down lunch and then I have to make a speech- this has to conclude with the telling of a 'joke or funny story'.

Said joke or funny story need not be golf related.

What can you offer me???????


Thanks in anticipation- Woodman2
 
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she, & Charles, had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed & said "Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour... But it would not budge.
"Harder" yelled Camilla. "Harder."

Charles yelled back "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on, give it all you've got" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan, & Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip & said "See, I told you she was still a virgin with a dog ugly face like that!"

Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out "Oh God, darling, this one's even tighter!"

At which point, Prince Phillip turned & said to the Queen "That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
 
I only know one golfing joke woodman, and you probably heard it.
Also it's a bit long, and is funnier when actually spoken. I got it off Dougie Brown. (Now there's a 'stand-up comedian'. ) 8)
 
2 for you here

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honorand hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating *******'s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

2nd one


A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fecking putt, didn't you?'
 
three for you


Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.


The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.


"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant.


Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.


As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.


"What are those", asks the attendant.


"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . . "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"





The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
 
Very good ones.

Here's a quick one;

Angela Merkel arrives at Greek customs;

Official: Name?
AM: Merkel, Angela

Official: Nationality?
AM: German

Official: Occupation?
AM: No, just here for a few days
 
...they're for putting your balls on when you're driving, said Mr Woods.

orrr beeejesus beghorrah said the Irish chappie. Those fellas at BMW do be thinking of everything to be sure to be sure



EDIT

Sorry! Just saw the correct punchline at the bottom of the post #-o
 
And of course no golfing thread would be complete without the obligatory :mrgreen: picture!

Iron%20My%20Shirt.JPG



With due apologies to any of the fairer sex who read the forum.
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*****g dishes!"
 
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me."
"One kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother. There you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:-


I don't flippin think so!
 
I get the cap shift locked at times! Y'KNOW?

O.. Wad some gift, eh?

I think that dangling punch-line added something to a pineappling good joke!
 
Lons":2uad33ds said:
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me."
"One kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother. There you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:-


I don't flippin think so!


Nod, nod... Never tasted Cuisses de grenouille.

And was the stream really unpolluted, or did that ancient castle have fully working sewage disposal? :wink:
 
"Eve's Side Of The Story"

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It's all so beautiful, God," Eve replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights -- everything is so wonderful; but I have just on problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve. Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God. "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "except for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has a bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a minute, and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
.
.
.
Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless t*t ?"
 
Back
Top