Jokes 3

[RogerS]

The Costume Party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked
Halloween party. The wife came down with a
terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party and have a good time. Being the
devoted husband, he protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed.

She told him there was no need for him to miss
the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
awakened without pain, and as it was still early,
she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did
not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some kicks watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing
with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel
here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since
he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would have for his notorious
behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked
him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to
sure had one helluva time!"

 

[jaymar]

A woman goes to the funeral parlour to view her dead husband and complains to the attendant" He's in a black suit but he always said he wanted to be buried in a blue suit" The attendant tried to calm her down and said he would do what he could. The next day, the day of the funeral she was overjoyed to find her husband dressed in a blue suit all ready to go. "Thats wonderful " she said to the attendant "How did you manage to do that?" "Well, just after you left another man came in in a blue suit and his wife wanted him in black so after that it was simple, I just changed the heads over"

 

[Newbie_Neil]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without stopping, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 

[martyn2]

Always use your spellchecker ...

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all
subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, the head monk goes
down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for
hundreds of years.

Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young new monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him
banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and
bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word is celebrate."




Martyn

 

[jaymar]

After a steamy night of lovemaking the guy notices a photo of a man on the bedside table.
"Is that your husband ?" he asked nervously.
"No" she laughed
"Is it your brother or father?" he persisted.
"Don't be silly" she replied.
"Well who is it then"
"That's me before my operation"

 

[chiba]

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

 

[DaveL]

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were
some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon , A Jamaican proctologist.

 

[DaveL]

STRESS MANAGEMENT
=================
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now.......feeling better?

 

[gwaithcoed]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one:
Big Seamus Quinn from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."

Alan

 

[RogerS]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing
to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed. .....(pause) oh s**t

 

[Argee]

On the golfing theme, a young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She set out for the first time alone. Having just played the first hole and approaching the second tee, she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

"Where," he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said "Then your stance is probably too wide." :shock:

Ray.

 

[RogerS]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

 

[RogerS]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?.
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, ! but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"

 

[dennyk]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and Every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
Unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these Bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was Trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and Every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
Fluster the know - it - all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover Foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and sends them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[dennyk]

Worm Class
===========

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate

.you won't have worms!"

 

[DomValente]

: Mississippi Grandma


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again
replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in
the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Irish Priest in Texas

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like
this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."

 

[DomValente]

St.Peter appeared to a man and said,"if you give up smoking,drinking and sex I can guarantee you a place in heaven".
I'll give it a go say's the man.
One month later St.Peter checks on the man,"how are you getting on ?"
"Well I've given up smoking and drinking but yesterday my girlfriend was bending over getting some meat out of the freezer and she was wearing a short skirt I'm afraid the temptation was too great"
"Tut tut", says St.Peter,"they don't like that kind of thing in heaven"
"really", says our hero,"they didn't like it at Asda either"

 

[DomValente]

Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[RogerM]

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The
landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you.

Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. - Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house".

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman ... "... but it did happen to me sister."

 

[Richard in Smithville]

The last time I went home to visit my old village, I went to the pub for old times. Someone must have had a dog in there because there was a token left behind and I found it. I put my foot right in the pile and slid across the floor landing in a heap by the wall. A bit embarresd but I was alright and pick myself up and went to the bar. A minute later, a fellow came in and did the exact same thing as me. I rushed over to help him up and said," You know, I just did that!".

He almost killed me!