woodbloke
Established Member
Waka - I do like those, 'specially as they're real :lol: - Rob
Jokes 2
- Thread starter DomValente
- Start date
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DomValente
Established Member
Last one's the best 
Jaco
Established Member
A junior school teacher in Liverpool asked her pupils to use the word
>>"fascinate" in a sentence.
>>
>>Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
>>and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
>>
>>The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
>>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>>
>>Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Blackpool
>>Tower and I was fascinated."
>>
>>The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
>>the word "fascinate."
>>
>>Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
>>been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
>>way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>>
>>Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
>>boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
>>
>>The teacher sat down and cried.
>>"fascinate" in a sentence.
>>
>>Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
>>and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
>>
>>The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
>>"fascinate, not fascinating".
>>
>>Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Blackpool
>>Tower and I was fascinated."
>>
>>The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
>>the word "fascinate."
>>
>>Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
>>been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
>>way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
>>
>>Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
>>boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
>>
>>The teacher sat down and cried.
Jaco
Established Member
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa,
"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
8)
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa,
"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
8)
Jaco
Established Member
Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers
> in South Africa .
>
>
> 1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
> 2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for
> murder.
>
> The moral of this South African story:
>
> If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes round, kill him.
>
> You'll save R500.
>
> ....It's the Right Thing To Do....
> in South Africa .
>
>
> 1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
> 2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for
> murder.
>
> The moral of this South African story:
>
> If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes round, kill him.
>
> You'll save R500.
>
> ....It's the Right Thing To Do....
Amateurrestorer
Established Member
Police have discovered a worrying new trend in drug taking by Barnsley youngsters.To get an instant high they are crushing ecstacy tablets in gin and injecting directly into the soft tissue above their teeth. E! by gum !
Newbie_Neil
Established Member
Amateurrestorer":2fhiew8e said:
ROTFL.
Cheers
Neil
Jaco
Established Member
Little lad comes in and says,
" Mommy,what's it called when one person lies on top of another?"
Trying not to panic she replies
"its called sexual intercourse"
"Oh" he replied and went back out
He returned sometime later and said
"You've got that all wrong Mommy, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called
BUNK BEDS"
" Mommy,what's it called when one person lies on top of another?"
Trying not to panic she replies
"its called sexual intercourse"
"Oh" he replied and went back out
He returned sometime later and said
"You've got that all wrong Mommy, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called
BUNK BEDS"
Jaco
Established Member
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one
thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres", and
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the South African press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely
nothing. The government has concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft
problems."
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one
thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres", and
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the South African press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely
nothing. The government has concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft
problems."
Jaco
Established Member
Golf and Mother Superior
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.
"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.
"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the flaming putt, didn't you?"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.
"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.
"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the flaming putt, didn't you?"
Travis Byrne
Established Member
Posted August 15, 2006 12:16 AM Hide Post
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Jaco
Established Member
A Guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house.
>"Talking Dog for Sale" So he stops and rings the bell and the owner said
> that the Dog is in the back yard and to go and take a look.
>The guy walks around to the back yard and sees a Labrador sitting there.”
>You Talk?" he asks.
>"Yes" the Lab replies.
>"So what's the story?"
>The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
> was pretty young."
>I wanted to help the Government, so I told the Garda, (Police), about my
> gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world Leaders, because no one figured a
> dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight
> years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
> wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
> job at the Airport to do some undercover security work wandering near
> suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
> dealings
> and was awarded a batch of medals. I then got married, had a load of
> Puppies, and now I'm just retired.
>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
> the Dog.” Ten Euros" the man says!
>"Ten Euros," This Dog is amazing. Why on earth would you sell him so
> cheap?"
>"Because he is a liar. He never did any of that dung!
>"Talking Dog for Sale" So he stops and rings the bell and the owner said
> that the Dog is in the back yard and to go and take a look.
>The guy walks around to the back yard and sees a Labrador sitting there.”
>You Talk?" he asks.
>"Yes" the Lab replies.
>"So what's the story?"
>The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
> was pretty young."
>I wanted to help the Government, so I told the Garda, (Police), about my
> gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world Leaders, because no one figured a
> dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight
> years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
> wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
> job at the Airport to do some undercover security work wandering near
> suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
> dealings
> and was awarded a batch of medals. I then got married, had a load of
> Puppies, and now I'm just retired.
>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
> the Dog.” Ten Euros" the man says!
>"Ten Euros," This Dog is amazing. Why on earth would you sell him so
> cheap?"
>"Because he is a liar. He never did any of that dung!
Jaco
Established Member
Two Aussies are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and tubeing down a VB when suddenly Dick says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."
Jaco
Established Member
A cowboy story
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, A young cowboy recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition of becoming a great gunfighter.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much."
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, A young cowboy recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition of becoming a great gunfighter.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much."
lurker
Le dullard de la commune
Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on what constituted a “ tragedy”.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
"If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
"If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
woodbloke
Established Member
One here for the chemist's amongst us, from one of my son's pals at Ediburgh Uni, don't understand the science here :-k - Rob
Chemistry Test Bonus Question
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle'sLaw
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at whichsouls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
- RobChemistry Test Bonus Question
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle'sLaw
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at whichsouls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
Jaco
Established Member
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, D---head? Drink your flaming beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherflaming snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, A--hole?"
.....and, they lived happily ever after.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, D---head? Drink your flaming beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherflaming snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, A--hole?"
.....and, they lived happily ever after.
Jaco
Established Member
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Jaco
Established Member
SOME MORE IRISH JOKES
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
______________________________
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
__________________________
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
_____________________________
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____________________________
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
_____________________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
______________________________
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
__________________________
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
_____________________________
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____________________________
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
_____________________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Russell
Established Member
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
******************************************************************************************
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are p***** off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the puppy in the kitchen."
*****************************************************************************
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
******************************************************************************************
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are p***** off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the puppy in the kitchen."
*****************************************************************************
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