Jokes 2

[Jaco]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?

 

[Jaco]

A man took his wife to the Royal Lancashire Agricultural Show and one of
the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully
nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital
letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that
her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the

same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable,
and he is expected to make a full recovery.

 

[Jaco]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave........



Dave........



Dave........



Dave........







........you're a vet.

 

[cumbrian]

Just to show that Star Wars can stand the test of time (or not) -

Luke and Obi-Wan are having a meal in a posh Chinese restaurant. The meal arrives, and Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins manoeuvring the food using great skill and dexterity, as you would expect of a Jedi master.

Luke, on the other hand, is all over the place. He picks up his chopsticks with both hands, and desperatly tries to get the food to his mouth, but to no avail. The meal ends up all over his clothes, all over the table, the other diners and the floor. He even manages to drop one of his chopsticks in his drink, such is his incompetence.

Eventually Obi-Wan, watching all this with a frown, lets out a deep sigh, puts down his chopsticks and says, in a weary voice, "Luke - use the forks."

 

[Taffy Turner]

Cumbrian - that was brilliant!

Made me laugh out loud!!!

Taffy