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DomValente

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Tony blair was visiting a new hospital and entered the first ward and spoke to the man in the first bed," and how are you" he asked, to which the man replied"aaah timorous wee beastie". The next bed illicited the same reply and the third and forth whereupon Blair asked the consultant if this was a psychiactric ward, "no", he replied "it's a serious Burns unit"

Modedit: Newbie_Neil We'll just start another jokes thread.
 

trevtheturner

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Nobody believes old people - everyone thinks they are senile:

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a security van, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money... fifty thousand pounds. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two policemen were scouring the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of a security van yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The cops turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first cop turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."




Blonde going to Houston

Plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, first class isn't going to Houston"
 

como

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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..."
 

gwaithcoed

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

"What is it?" asked the judge.

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Alan.
 

WoodPecker

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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END
 

Jaco

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PUBLISHED NOTES FROM A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, for extra income that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours afterwards.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. ... Ron

>>EDITOR'S NOTE:
>>Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Stanley extra
>>long 50-inch "Yankee" Screwdriver rammed up his backside, with only 2
>>inches of the handle showing... His wife Julie was arrested, but the
>>all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat
>>down on it very suddenly. What a shame !!!!
 

Jaco

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.


---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


--THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are...
 

Jaco

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A matter of perspective.....

The Difference Between Rich/Poor People?



One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.
"Life is too short and friends are too few."
 

Jaco

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>1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

>

>2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

>

>3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

>

>4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

>

>5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

>

>6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

>

>7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

>

>8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

>

>9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

>

>10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

>

>11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

>

>12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a vampire? Frostbite.

>

>13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

>

>14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can

>Roast Beef.

>

>15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

>

>16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

>

>17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

>

>18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

>

>19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location

>Of The Dirt Bag.

>

>20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their

>Belt Buckle On Their Hats.

>

>21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A

>Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

>

>22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

>Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
 

Richard in Smithville

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Two tree's, a birch and a beech, stood side by side in the forest for nearly 100 years. One morning they noticed a little sappling growing between them.

One tree asked his neighbor, " I wonder if that little tree is a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

There other tree was not sure so he suggested that they call on the woodpecker(who knows all about trees).

They call the woodpecker over and ask him if the little sappling is a son of a birch or the son of a beech.

The woodpecker fly's down to the ground, walks around the sappling looking it over and playing with the leaves. After a quick little taste, the woodpecker flys back up to the old trees.

"Well", they eagerly ask? "Is it the son of a beech or the son of the birch?"

"Neither" stated the woodpecker. "But it's the best peice of ash I've ever put my pecker into!"
 

RogerS

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A fire-fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
 

Noel

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An Irish Love Story

Paddy lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite wholemeal biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite wholemeal biscuits. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................
"pipper off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
 

RogerS

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This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986.... The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be
the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazard or the Famous Five. They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone. Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting old!!
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
a bloke goes to the doctor, hes farting every few seconds, he says I get terrible wind doctor, please can you do something. The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then says here put some of this special powder up your ****, that'll cure it. Bloke goes home, but still farting every few seconds powder doesnt work. He goes back to the doctor, I'm still farting doctor please help. Doctor thinks again, then says here put this ointment up your **** that'll cure it. Patient goes home but the ointment doesnt work either, he is getting desperate, he returns to the surgery. Doctor I'm still farting every few seconds, please what can you do I'm desperate. Doctor thinks again, paces up and down the room for a few moments, then goes in the cupboard and takes out a great long stick with a metal hook on the end. patient says I dont have to put that up my **** as well do I?? :shock: Doctor says No I just want to open the window you always stink the place out when you come to see me... :wink:
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctors, complaining of developing a hairy chest.

The doctor replies "when you take steroids for a number of years this can be one of the unfortunate side effects, but don't worry about it to much, how far down does it go"

to which fatima replies "right down to me b*ll**ks!!!!" :D
 

andys wood shed

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the round. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude, and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a project manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Andy
 

andys wood shed

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Domain Names - they didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the 'What was I thinking?' award!

ALL of these web sites actually exist; selling something totally benign.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange’, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than PenIsland’.
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder’ at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator’ company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery’, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
 

Adam

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A timeless lesson in management

This is a MUST read.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a
consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon
next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he
walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without
touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon."
 
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