Jokes 2

[Argee]

Pirate goes for a drink. Barman says "You look awful!"

Pirate says "Well, I might do, but I feel fine."

Barman "But you've got a peg leg."

Pirate "Yes, I'm a pirate, been in battles. Lost my leg in one, but the wooden peg works well, I'm fine."

Barman "But you've got a hook instead of a right hand."

Pirate "I know, it's an occupational hazard. Lost the hand in another battle, but the hook works OK, I'm fine."

Barman "But you've got a patch over your right eye too."

Pirate "I know - I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."

Barman "You wouldn't lose an eye if a seagull crapped in it, surely?"

Pirate "No - it was my first day with the hook."

 

[Jaco]

Son goes to father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

…………………………………



You got Male

 

[Jaco]

Ole Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college,
but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says,
"you won't believe the wonders that modern education is
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here
at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says.
"I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the
dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've had such
good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do
I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out that the dog can neither talk,
nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester,
his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him
talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive
home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

 

[Jaco]

26 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those #$%*& kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good dung."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh dung what the hell happened?"

25. Like your parents used to, you start sentences with, ”When I was young..…”

Bonus:

25: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

 

[Jaco]

TWO STATUES
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
> woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
> when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
> for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
> shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
>
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
> care to do it again?"
>
> He asks her "Shall we?"
>
> She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
>
>
>
> This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you dung on
> its head."
>
>
> AND WHAT WERE YOU....THINKING?

 

[Benchwayze]

The worst thing about getting old is having
'Senior Moments'
The way to grow old gracefully is to call those moments 'Intellectual Intermissions'

John

 

[Jaco]

I also tend to have those "intellectual Intermissions"!

 

[DomValente]

Getting old is when you bend to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

 

[Jaco]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…


MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90 , a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick…

 

[CHJ]

From across the pond but not too dissimilar, may even be too near the truth to be a joke.


*Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.*

1976 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.


*Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.*

1976 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


*Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.*

1976 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested
for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


*Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad
gives him a whipping with his belt.*

1976 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.


*Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.*

1976 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.


*Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.*

1976 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.


*Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.*

1976 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.


*Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
him.*

1976 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

[LyNx]

What do you call a chav in a box ? `innit!`

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? `sorted`

Why is it a shame if 3 chavs in a nova go over a cliff?
Cos a Nova has 5 seats

What do you call 200 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start!

What do call a chav in a white tracksuit? `The Bride`

What do chavs use for protection.? The bus shelter

 

[Jaco]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ......Is this 486-5731?

 

[Jaco]

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him.

She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling.. "
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't
'darling' me. The deal was very clear...
'Until death do us part!' "

 

[Jaco]

MALE WORLD
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your rear-end is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
You understand the offside rule.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work....more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm/shot, you can double the earth's population in 15 tries.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
If you forget to call a mate, he won't tell your other mates you've changed.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch ... need I say more?
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
You never get pineappled as fast as the woman you're chatting up.
If you wear a suit & tie no one will think you're a lesbian.
You have no trouble whatsoever putting stuff off until tomorrow.
You get to operate heavy machinery.
You don't collapse in floods of tears if your partner says you look fine.
You feel comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday & left on the floor all night.
You're allowed to (even expected to) sweat heavily.
You can eat a banana while walking past a building site.
Telephone conversations are over in 30 seconds, no worries.
Push-ups are a lot easier.
The Betting Shop doesn't go quiet when you walk in.
People never glance at your breasts when you're talking to them.
Hot wax never comes near your genitals.
Ricky Martin doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Cricket seems like a good idea.
Not liking a person does not preclude having an enjoyable shag with them.
No queue's waiting for a public lavatory.
You can go years without having to see a doctor.
If you own a toaster you're never more than 2 minutes away from a tasty meal.
A 5-day holiday requires only 1 suitcase.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Your pants are £3.99 for a three pack.
As long as your mums still alive, you can get your washing done at her place.
Wedding dress £2000; suit rental £150.
None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
Haircuts cost £6.

 

[Jaco]

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!




It takes less than a minute.




Work this out as you read ...




Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!




This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.








1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex -(more than once but less than 10)!













2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)










3. Add 5








4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator






5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .If you haven't, add 1756.









6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.












You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how many times you want to do it each week.)













The next two numbers are
























YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)






THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND



WHILE IT LASTS.

 

[Jaco]

RELATIONSHIPS

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, " and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

 

[Jaco]

Life Lessons
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come
back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't
pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just
love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his
father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but
realistically we're living with two sluts.

The father replied "That's my boy."

 

[Jaco]

Lateral Thinking


man
1. ------------
board






Ans. = man overboard

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.



stand
2. ------------
i





Ans. = I understand


OK.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fare?


3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/





Ans. = reading between the lines



4. r
road
a
d




Ans. = cross road


Not having a good day now, are you?
Redeem yourself.

5. cycle
cycle
cycle




Ans. = tricycle


Not easy to figure out ha!

0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D




Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought!!

knee
7. ------------
light




Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)


U can prove u r smart by getting this one.

ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet



Ans. = six feet underground


Oh no, not again!!

9. he's X himself




Ans. = he's by himself


Now u messing up big time.

10. ecnalg




Ans. = backward glance


Not even close!!

11. death . life




Ans. = life after death

Okay last chance ...............

12. THINK





Ans. = think big!!

And the last one is real fundoo............

13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....





Ans. = long time no 'C' (see)

 

[Jaco]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

 

[Jaco]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."