Joke Thread 4

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

My favourite line from a best man’s speech I’ve heard was when the best man got up & said “ that’s not the first time today I’ve got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand”

 

[Phil Pascoe]

The best (worst?) bridegrooms speech I heard - I'll now hand you over to my best man. In fact, I'd like to hand my wife over to my best man - he's been ******* her for the last six months, he's welcome to her. I'm off.

 

[artie]

Fornication.


For'n occasion such as this ....etc etc.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Daniel2]

 

[Jaco]

Real court cases in America

1. Heir Jordan Allen Heckard of Portland, Oregon bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jordan, and he is not happy about it. Tired of constantly being mistaken for a superstar athlete, Mr Heckard sued Jordan and (for some reason) Nike founder Phil Knight for $832 million in 2006. The case was withdrawn when Heckard was unable to provide a reasonable explanation for the amount that he was suing for.

2. The kids and the kidney In Long Island, New York, a man sued his ex-wife for the return of his kidney, which he had donated to her while they were still married. When their marriage ended bitterly, he demanded either his kidney back or compensation of $1.5 million. The court rejected his claim, citing the legal principle that human organs cannot be considered property in a divorce settlement.

3. Beer goggles In 1991, Richard Overton filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch, the maker of Bud Light, for $10,000, claiming to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury and financial loss. Overton alleged that the company’s advertising campaign, which featured beautiful women, falsely promised him that he would attract such women if he drank their beer. The Michigan Court of Appeals dismissed Overton’s case.

4. Taxes are evil In 2011, a man in Tennessee quit his job after his W-2 tax form had the number “666” printed on it. He believed the number was a mark of the devil and sued the company for constructive dismissal. Surprisingly, he won his case in court and the jury awarded him $150,000 in damages.

5. The devil's advocate And speaking of the devil himself - in 1971, a man named Gerald Mayo sued Satan and his minions for causing him distress and challenging his life. The US District Court in Pennsylvania actually considered this unique case before ultimately dismissing it. The reason? The court stated that Satan, being a foreign prince, could not be served a lawsuit without an address.

 

[Doug B]

 

[DRC]

View attachment 180727

 

[DRC]

View attachment 180727

Maybe, a "thorough bred"

 

[dzj]

 

[MikeJhn]

 

[TRITON]

An English tourist, on holiday in Wales, stopped to talk to a local farmer

Tourist: “That your dog he asks?”

Farmer: “Aye”

Tourist: "Mind if I speak to him?’

Farmer: "Dog don’t talk.”

Tourist: Hey dog, how’s it going?"

Dog: “Doing all right.”

Farmer: (look of shock)

Tourist: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Farmer)

Dog: “Yep.”

Tourist: How’s he treating you?"

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.”

Farmer: (Look of total disbelief!)

Tourist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Farmer: "Horse don’t talk.”

Tourist: “Hey horse how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Farmer: (Extreme look of shock!)

Tourist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: “Yep.”

Tourist: “How’s he treating you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather.”

Farmer: (Look of total amazement!)

Tourist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Farmer: " Don't listen to that sheep’s it's a f******g liar!!”

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

 

[Amateur]

Maybe, a "thorough bred"

Y
You'll be telling me next, when it goes to the loo it changes to a Warburtons extra crusty.

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]