Joke Thread 4

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[MikeJhn]

 

[MikeJhn]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the male side:
These are our rules!
1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
21. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

 

[Morag Jones]

 

[Doug B]

 

[paulrbarnard]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the male side:
These are our rules!
1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
21. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

10 makes me homicidal.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the male side:
These are our rules!
1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
21. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

I see the humour in this, and I'm sure that those traits and many more often arise in some relationships, but I think I've been blessed. At 85, married for 62 years, (22,630 days!), through all the trials and tribulations of life that my wife and I have had, be it as husband and wife, as parents and as grandparents, we've always rubbed along nicely together. Hence, I couldn't tick any of those 21 boxes and say that they apply to my wife. I bless every day that we're together, because that's one less day of our lives that one of us isn't going to be left alone to cope as best we can. It will surely happen, we know that, but hopefully, not yet awhile.

As the late Freddie Mercury put it so eloquently:

You can’t turn back the clock, you can’t turn back the tide,
Ain’t that a shame?
Ooh, I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride,
When life was just a game.
No use in sittin’ and thinkin’ on what you did,
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids.
Sometimes it seems like lately, I just don't know -
Better sit back and go with the flow...

 

[MikeJhn]

Sadly the last song and time he appeared in public.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

One of the best ever quotes - one of his teachers - "sit down, Bulsara - you can't sing."

 

[Doug B]

 

[gwaithcoed]

I've been married 66 years and my wife said to me a while back "We've not been a bad team all this time"
"No" I said " " I just wish I could have been the captain for once."
Alan.













2

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[GuitardoctorW7]

I see the humour in this, and I'm sure that those traits and many more often arise in some relationships, but I think I've been blessed. At 85, married for 62 years, (22,630 days!), through all the trials and tribulations of life that my wife and I have had, be it as husband and wife, as parents and as grandparents, we've always rubbed along nicely together. Hence, I couldn't tick any of those 21 boxes and say that they apply to my wife. I bless every day that we're together, because that's one less day of our lives that one of us isn't going to be left alone to cope as best we can. It will surely happen, we know that, but hopefully, not yet awhile.

As the late Freddie Mercury put it so eloquently:

You can’t turn back the clock, you can’t turn back the tide,
Ain’t that a shame?
Ooh, I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride,
When life was just a game.
No use in sittin’ and thinkin’ on what you did,
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids.
Sometimes it seems like lately, I just don't know -
Better sit back and go with the flow...

One of my favourite singer/songwriters Jason Isbell wrote a song called "if we were vampires" about growing old together

"Knowing that this can't go on forever,
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone.
Maybe we'll get 40 years together,
Then one day I'll be gone or one day you'll be gone......"

 

[Fergie 307]

One of the best ever quotes - one of his teachers - "sit down, Bulsara - you can't sing."

My favourite was when he was interviewed just before going on stage in I think Brazil? Was the biggest ever crowd for a gig at the time.
Reporter " So what's it like to perform for 250,000 people (or whatever the figure was)?
Freddie "No idea, I haven't done it yet"