Joke Thread 4

[woodhutt]

A bloke walks into the bedroom and finds his wife looking in the mirror and seeming very sad. 'What's up, sweetheart?' he asks.
'I wish I was eight again,' she sighed.
The next morning, while she was still in bed, he took her a bowl of Coco Pops and a glass of milk on a tray. Then he whisked her off to a Fun Park where he took her on every ride there was, Roller Coaster, everything.
They staggered out after five hours and he whisked her off to McDonalds where he bought her a Happy Meal and chocolate shake. Then off to the movies to see a Disney film with popcorn and ice cream.
They finally got home late that evening and she collapsed, exhausted, on the bed. He leaned across her and said, 'Well, how did it feel to be eight again?'
She opened one tired eye and glared at him. 'I meant dress size, you fool!'

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Alex H]

Follow me for great DIY tips like how to replace a toilet seat.

 

[bansobaby]

A man walked into a bar and said "ouch"

Was it an iron bar?

 

[Thingybob]

Was it an iron bar?

Tommy Cooper brilliant

 

[Doug B]

 

[Adam W.]

Tut!

 

[dzj]

 

[Cordy]

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter"

says The Archbishop of Cadbury.

 

[woodhutt]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke stumbles home after a night out with the boys and collapses on the sofa. His angry wife demands to know where he's been and he just manages to tell her that, wherever it was, it had red flock wallpaper in the toilets and gold plated urinals before he passes out.
His angry wife is determined to find this pub and give them a piece of her mind for allowing her husband to get into such a state so she begins ringing around.
"Is that the Black Horse? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets? You don't? Thank you."
'Hello, is that the Wheatsheaf? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets?" she paused. "You say you have red flock wallpaper but no gold plated urinals? Thank you."
"Hello, is that the Goat and Accessories? It is? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets?"
The landlord confirms they do indeed have red flock wallpaper, then she hears him call out, "Hey Charlie! I think we just found the guy who p****d in your saxophone!"

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jameshow]

A bloke stumbles home after a night out with the boys and collapses on the sofa. His angry wife demands to know where he's been and he just manages to tell her that, wherever it was, it had red flock wallpaper in the toilets and gold plated urinals before he passes out.
His angry wife is determined to find this pub and give them a piece of her mind for allowing her husband to get into such a state so she begins ringing around.
"Is that the Black Horse? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets? You don't? Thank you."
'Hello, is that the Wheatsheaf? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets?" she paused. "You say you have red flock wallpaper but no gold plated urinals? Thank you."
"Hello, is that the Goat and Accessories? It is? Can you tell me if you have red flock wallpaper and gold plated urinals in your toilets?"
The landlord confirms they do indeed have red flock wallpaper, then she hears him call out, "Hey Charlie! I think we just found the guy who p****d in your saxophone!"

I once repaired pub toilets skanky job!!
We in again (old hall - Haworth) 16 year later same bar man!

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

Paddy tells Mick that he's going to be circumcised the next day.
"Oh," says Mick, "I had that done when I was a baby."
"Did it hurt?" asks Mick.
"Well I couldn't walk for a year."

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]