The UK Workshop Panto Presents ........

sauter shop
Shop deals on ebay
Advertise with us
UKworkshop.co.uk

Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
Okay, in a bid to get them on the road again which is much easier to write and out of the blind alley (always a tricky spot to put your characters in):

Scene Three (b)

Where Our Heroes get out of this tricky situation and continue on their journey

The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop...

"D'you know what kind of prices the raw materials for all that are fetching these days, with the rapid economic expansion in China and the Indian sub-continent?" asked a passing Canadian tool-pusher.
"No, but I know too well what those planes cost me" grumbled Waka. "Cut open my heart and you'll see 'It was all Philly's fault' engraved on it..."
"Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute" said JayEffSee, gazing at the diminishing pile of metal as Niki worked like a madman to fashion a large enough hammer. "Something's missing. Did I mention the Legacy?"

There was a collective groan, but JayEffSee waved them into silence and excitedly explained his plan. Given the speed and ease with which he could make a few spiral posts, what if some brave soul went out there and hypnotised the Mighty Grimsdale with their spiralling, or at the very least distracted him with suggestions for uses for them in building staircases and so forth.

"It's a million to one chance, but it might just work" opinioned Gary. "But who's volunteering?"
"I will! They don't call me Alan The Volunteer in The Valleys because I'm the postman. No, that's Alan The Postman. I'm the Volunteer. Hand me the spirals and you sneak out while I distract IT."

Suiting the action to the word, he strode out to face The Mighty Grimsdale, spiral posts whirling in a mind boggling display of pirouettes and turns, intoning the well-known mantra "And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these -tap, tap - safety glasses. The effect was slightly spoiled by only narrowly missing taking out his left ear with a spiral at the "tap, tap" bit, but it was impressive nevertheless.

"Quick!" urged King Wenslascrit, "But whatever you do don't look at the spirals or you'll be hypnotised too. And Philly, stop trying to pick up your Excalibur from the pile - leave it and run!"

So they did.

Scene Four

Where Our Heroes our attacked but saved by The Knight They Call Neil

"Can't...run...any...fur...ther" panted Martin, King of the Car Boot, who'd turned up to add a new character to events.

The Happy Band came to a puffing, blowing and wheezing halt.

"Must be the effects of inadequate dust extraction on your lungs" said Barry, "Maybe we could stop and build a cyclone?"

But before he could even look on Ebay for a filter, they suddenly found themselves surrounded by a cloud of irritating buzzing, little flapping things.

"Ow"
"Buzz off"
"Gerroff you..."
"That was me!"
"Sorry, I was aiming for the - oi! Bind by doze"

In the general flapping and slapping at the things at least half the shots missed their mark and they were hitting each other more often than not.

Philly Phantom the tool wizard was smugly grinning behind his Trend Airshield but decided he'd better see what these things were. Carefully catching one in his hand he gingerly opened his palm to reveal...

... what appeared to be a small squarish can. Well square, but with very rounded corners. Dark blue, some yellow markings on the side and a pair of little wings flapping frantically.

"Oh no. SPAM. Watch out everyone; we'll be knee-deep in Russian Brides any minute."

The Five Dancing Gills and Alice (a Motown group in the making if I'm any judge) sat on the sidelines, completely unmolested by the Spam.

"You know it's almost unfair" said one Gill. "I mean are we ever going to get Russian Grooms? Will my email ever contain something other than offers to enlarge what I don't have? Where are the offers of sites full of chesty six-packs?"

Just then, when more than one member of The Happy Band was wishing they'd brought all their safety gear with them (and actually worn it), they hard a sound of hoofbeats in the distance.

"What's that?"
"I didn't hear anything"
"Sounded like hoofbeats"
"More like Dave coming with his clogs on"
"Look, will you lot shut up; I've almost got her number..."

Into the clearing rode a figure on... well... er... on a saw horse. No, I don't know how that works either, but that's the way it goes. Urging his steed into the fray a few swift blows with a sword despatched the Russian Brides back to Moscow. He dismounted, took a small portable compressor from the tool box hanging from the side of the saw horse, set up a spray gun with a wide nozzle and proceeded to spray The Happy Band while the Spam dropped like flies.

"-" said Waka, and looked puzzled.

"Nothing to worry about" said the horseman, briskly. "We often lose unimportant conversations while disposing of Spam. The effects will wear off shortly."

"-?" said everyone.

"Oh dear, where are my manners? Welcome to The Wood Land. I'm The Knight They Call Neil, one of the guardians of this area. Come along and we'll patch you up and I daresay you'd like something to eat? Oh dear, someone with concussion? Often happens when a SWMBO catches someone in the middle of a Spam attack I'm afraid. This way."

Quite literally speechless The Happy Band followed The Knight They Call Neil to his modest three bedroom castle and workshop. Almost immediately people were bustling about preparing food while The Happy Band stood in now self-imposed silence.

"So what do you do exactly?" asked King Wenslascrit.

"Oh we see to it that the rules are obeyed. Constant war with the Spam of course. The usual. 24/7. Never ending task really"

"Good pay is it?"

"Oh no, quite voluntary"

"Bloody he-"

"Ah," The Knight They Call Neil raised an admonitory finger. "We don't allow swearing I'm afraid"

"But for god-"

"Or religion"

"What is this, a nanny state?" grumbled Barry.

"Politics isn't tolerated either, I'm afraid" said The Knight They Call Neil, with unwavering politeness, but with just the hint of a frown beginning to appear on his brow.

"What can we talk about?" asked Wizer. "Dados?"

Twenty minutes later they were walking rather fast out of The Wood Land hoping to get clear before The Knight They Call Neil could calm down enough to follow them.

"Brilliant" muttered Martin, King of the Car Boot.
"Well I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know?"
"You might have waited until we'd had something to eat first" said Philly.
"Yeah, did you see the biscuits?" said a Gill, wistfully.
"#20s with cream filling. Mmmm..."
"And the chocolate finger joints."
"I thought they were chocolate box joints?"
"Comb"
"Why? I brushed my hair this morning."
"There were stuffed dove's tails too."

King Wenslascrit sighed and patiently pointed out that they were missing the really important thing.

"We never got a chance to ask if they know where to find the Devon Woody Man."
"Oh."
"Whoops"
"Forgotten about that."
"So is this a Quest then? Capital Q?"
"Dunno about that. Maybe only a quest with a little Q"
"I don't like queues"
"Oh ha ha"

Bickering amongst themselves, they carried on.
 
The plot thickens, and gets even better, well done Alf :lol: :lol: :lol:

"Thats the way to do it"

"Oh no it isnt"

"Oh yes it is"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Bravo!!!! =D>
This is great-even better than the telly on Christmas day :lol:
Thanks for producing such great work-maybe Steve Maskery could turn it into a DVD for us?? :wink:
Philly :D
 
Gill was going to write the next scene, but Gill didn't like the plot. Not that it mattered anyway, because Gill's the only one who knows the log-on details for this forum, and she's not around. She's gone Christmas shopping with Gill.

Gill
 
Alf - great stuff...so the Happy Band of Brothers (and Sister) is out of Wood Land, a trifle peckish maybe (pun intended) but where to next on their adventures this Yuletide... - Rob
 
“It's Finished!!

Oh no It's Not!!


“Forty Two” came the shout from nowhere in particular and they all jumped round to see no one in particular.

“Who said that? Said King Wenslascrit,

“Weren’t me” said BugBear having just caught up with the motley crew.

“Where you bin then” remarks Wizer.

“Had a problem wive me Saw Touth didn’t I” says Bugbear

“Need to see Wonderland Alice about that, before it gets too bad else you’ll get shipped off to Oregon” chips in the Phantom.

“Shurrup you lot” says one of the Gills looking more like a Dizzy Blond every minute. “Who did say That”

“Say Wot” said Martin still trying to get to grips with the quip about huffing and puffing.

“Forty Two” says Gill number four.

“I thought that was no one in particular” said Gary who had just reached the group after the hard climb out of the valleys, “frightened me to death, who asked the question then”

“ Wot Question” says Martin.

“Well I thought it was obvious that someone had asked the question” says Gary, “It was obviously an answer so there must have been a question”.

“Hang About” says Wizer, “you mean that someone asked a question”

“Of course” says Phantom Philly, “King Wenlsascrit” asked where Devon Woody was didn’t he”

“Well we all know were he is, he’s hunting his car keys up the buff bathing end of Bondi Beach” says the man from Malvern having just arrived again on a 144 bus via Worcester.

“I think I see him” says Wizer holding a rapidly fabricated spy glass to his eye, amazing what junk there is round the back of Byrons new shed, “Why’s he walking upside down on his hands”

“Don’t be a pillock” says the Phantom, “he’s the right way up it’s the ground that’s buttocks uppards down there”.

“Oh I thought it was because he burnt his feet” says Bugbear having given up pondering how he was going to get the fare back from Oregon this side of Christmas

“But I still don’t see it” says Wizer looking rather no-plussed at not seeing the obvious, “What the He** has “Forty Two” got to do with where Devon Woody is?”

At this point The Knight They Call Neil, wanting to get a little more sense into the discussion points out that the answer is the result of having the right question in the first place and perhaps it was all relevant to the meaning of life and not thinking long enough about it.

The happy Band immediately went into a huddle and unanimously decided, (well they would have if the could have spelt it), that some people around here who showed off riding fancy Saw Horses was being a little to pushy and should be ignored for a while.

Still didn’t answer the Question though.

Meanwhile ‘no one in particular’ looked on in amusement from his perch on top of the mini cyclone that the Phantom had discarded earlier in the year wondered if an echo friendly repartition would help take the story full circle.
 
‘Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q, Big Q, little Q,
“Wot yer mumbling about”
‘Nuffink’
“Sounds a bit Sinister Dexter to me”
‘Who you calling Dexter :evil: ’

“Give over you two” says Gill number two.

“Thought you’d gone shopping” says Martin.

“Finished Early, could only find poor quality Chipping Norton Stones”

“Told you, should have gone to Waterstones” says the Phantom.

“Not sure about that, they are Sharp in there & I find them a bit Scary with all that Plate Glass about”

“ Look Folks” says Gary, still trying to steer the group a little “ we haven’t got any further in our Quest for Devon Woody; I think we should make our way down to Kernow with Alice and get his Nibs to find us a boat”

“Yes it should be Plane sailing from there as long as the Frogs are secure, I wonder what Charley would say if he was here?” says Chisel

“Probably something about ‘stay away from the slope’ muttered Wizer :roll: .

“Last I heard from Devon Woody it was 30deg+ and he was crumbling around the edges” says Bugbear, “You got a Handle on it Alice?”

“Not really, I’ll Pen Oldsoke a line to see if he can turn a Little Something up while we’re travelling and perhaps we can pick up Devons' scent with a torque-key on the way, it's better than going nowhere in particular.
That reminds me, where's No One In Paticular"

"Who's No One In Particular"

"I dunno, thought you was supposed to be sorting that out"

"Look here you two, I'll bang your heads together in a minute" says one of the Gills struggling to shake off a dizzy spell because some fool forgot to turn the music off some sixteen posts ago.
 
Now scroll forwards in time...

'Sounds like a job for us Girls' said Gill 3!

Our happy band have passed a dark skinned man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo 'Thats Abbariginal' muttered Bean as they passed, dropped in to Sinderellas Castle for a restful nights sleep(ahem) and been pointed in the direction of Tom Bomba-Lie-Nielson, who will fill in some plot and get the panto back on track.

'Ah' said Tom, 'It's the Devon Woody you seek. I have news for you my friends.'

'He has been captured by ScarySharp Man and imprisoned in a Dark Tower held in a cage of PurpleHeart. The PurpleHeart is impervious to all but the sharpest blades. You will need to travel to the fires of Mount Doom (open 7 days a week, families welcome, why not try our gift shoppe) to forge a steel of the sharpest quality.'

'Crivens' cried a small voice. 'Oops, wrong play, were offski'

'Ahah', said Alice, 'I know Mount Doom, its In Devon. Forn Lands past the town of Axminster. We can stock up on supplies there before making a perilous assault on the Slopes of Mount Doom (Tea rooms and play area for the kids! A fun day out for all the family)'.

'Ah Yes, brave words indeed' said Tom Bomba-Lie-Nielson, 'but beware the dreaded Seagulls of ScarySharp Man, bound to him for eternity by a rare earth magnet in the unfortunate incident of the ring'

'Bored of the rings' muttered JayEffZee. 'Lets get going, I wanna be home in time for Norm at 2:30. It might be a new series.'

And so our merry band set out across the plains, through the land of the Neanderthals to the fabled town of Axminster, before heading onto Mount Doom (Open Sundays and Bank Holidays, Petting Zoo opening 2007).....

To be continued.....
 
Philly the Phantom Knight of Wessex and Lord of the Planes heard about the Scrolling Gill's and Bean travelling into darkest Devon in the quest to rescue Deveon Woody of the Skips.

Philly the Pantom mounted his trusty steed Xcalibar, shouting for Martin the Car Boot, keeper of the Bay, we need to raise a band of WW's to help in the quest.

Martin rode up on Record his faithfull 55 and said "lets get a message to Wood the Bloke who lives Salisbury way, being the keeper of the diamond stones he will be able to help us.

What about Sawdust the Producer, Dragon of all that lies to the West of Bristollier.

Also send word to King Wenlsascrit, Roger the Sindenbad, Steve the Masked Marauder of Maskery to bring fellow WW's from the North.

Philly the Phantom and Martin the Car Boot sent word ahead that they were coming to assist in the quest to track down Devon Woody of the Skips.

As they set off and neared a town called Bridport Stuart the Paul Keeper of the Fire warned that dark days lay ahead, be very careful as you cross into the land called "Devon".

Both Philly the Phantom, Martin the Car Boot and Wood the Bloke had crossed the border many times and visited that place called Axminster, they had on many occassions traded paper for shiny thing that now adorn their castles.

Martin the Car Boot mentioned that it was a good job that Waka the Pensioner was absent, if he knew about places like Axminster he would have a heart attack.

As they approched that place called Axminster other bands of WW's on the same quest appeared.
As they gathered round the camp fire that night there was talk of venturing further into the darkest depths of a place called Cornwall. As they spoke of ALF the Collector Keeper of all things Cornwellian chills went through their bones.

Fear not says Philly the Phantom and Martin the Car Boot, we know ALF the Collector and compared with us there is nothing to worry about. Ah but what about the Gill's Says Sawdust the Producer, Wood the Bloke steped forward, I will protect them with the diamond stone.

Knowing of the impending WW's journey into the place called Cornwall ALF the Collector started preparing for the long journey that lay ahead across the murky waters in the quest to find Devon Woody of the Skips.
 
Hold on a minute, has anyone seen my dodo, Dado? I'm sure he's around here somewhere.....

(sound of woodworking dwarves singing in the background to the strains of Hi-Ho!) "Dado, dado, it's off the fingers go.........."

Now where did I put that bird?

Wencelascrit
 

Similar threads

L
Building the new workshop ... may have light at the end of the tunnel!
Replies
13
Views
898
okeydokey
O
Trevanion
THE MOST EXPENSIVE MULTICO TH... IN THE WORLD. (RESTORATION)
2 3
Replies
41
Views
12K
Phil Pascoe
Phil Pascoe
Robbo3
More Puns
Replies
2
Views
1K
rafezetter
rafezetter
C
A week away
Replies
12
Views
2K
RogerP
RogerP
Robbo3
Signs
Replies
2
Views
1K
Jonzjob
Jonzjob

Latest posts

Back
Top