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morrisminordriver

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Worldwide Press Release – 1st April 2004:

“Morris, Minor and Driver Publications (New Forest – Hants UK), in conjunction with the internationally known and respected NY Norm (**) of H+L, are excited, pleased and simply filled with joy to announce the worldwide publication of the
“Miscellaneous Hand Tools Review”
exclusively on UK Workshop.

The authors are unable to accept any liability resulting from woodworkers disregard of safety procedures advised within these reviews, or within manufacturers instructions.

NY Norm (**) says ”Be sure to read, understand and follow the safety instructions that come with your hand tools, and remember, there can be no better precaution than to wear thick, woolly, warm underwear in a cold shed!”.

Now, without further ado:

The Miscellaneous Hand Tools Review


Tool Name: Hammer
Pronounced: ha’ma’
Originated: A long time ago
Design features: Long handle to hold onto, metal lumpy bit at the end
Uses: Banging things
Advice when using: Don’t hold onto lumpy end
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Scewdriver
Pronounced: scroo’ – driva’
Originated: Quite a while ago
Design features: roundish handle to hold onto with longish roundish metal thingy you poke into screws
Uses: screwing screws through screw holes in and out of wood, taking stones out of horses hooves, opening paint tins, trying to get biscuits out from behind the cushion in the sofa in one piece so it doesn’t attract mice.
Advice when using: Poke into wide, not pointy end of screws
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Saw
Pronounced: sore’
Originated: A fair while ago
Design features: handle to hold onto, long thin metal blade with sharp bits sticking out of the bottom of it .
Uses: Cutting wood into bits, separating slices of frozen bread (esp for marmite soldiers)
Advice when using: If you use it upside down it takes a long long time to get through the wood
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Chisel
Pronounced: chizzull’
Originated: Sometime in the past
Design features: roundish handle to hold onto, longish metal blade with sharp end (hopefully)
Uses: Making squarish holes in wood, carving sweet messages of love in the 4x2 uprights in the shed, scraping bird poo off of the shed window
Advice when using: Hold onto the thick end!
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Plane
Pronounced: playn’
Originated: Previously
Design features: Two handles on a big bit of metal with a blade poking out – lots of different types – I cant think of them all – I’d love to have more – but where can I keep them all – there’d be lots of rust to clean off as my shed is damp - it’s quite bewildering, I think I need to sit down now…
Uses: Smoothing off rough bits of wood – and, if used very carefully – getting the fuzzy little woolly balls off of the worn parts of your cardigan
Advice when using: Don’t use back to front
Also – take great care with the woolly balls, look what happened to Patrick ….so much blood and gore…and no more little woolly balls…!
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Set square
Pronounced: set skwear’
Originated: 11.24 am GMT - 16th August 1436
Design features: Thick oblongish part down one side, thin flattish bit comes out of the side near the top (or bottom if its upside down)
Uses: Drawing lines across wood, scraping up marmite soldiers off of the shed floor when they’ve fallen marmite side down,
Advice when using: Pencil lines tend to be inaccurate if you catch the marmite soldier between the pencil and the metal thin bit
NY Norm view: “It works great”

Tool Name: Hand drill
Pronounced: Hand Drill
Originated: A longish time ago
Design features: Handle at top to hold onto, twisty turny wheely handly bit in the middle, hole for drill to be put in the end
Uses: Making holes in wood, and with ballon whisk attachment (hopefully available from APTC in 2005) – making very very light airy meringues….mmm nice!
Advice when using: Put drills in the end with the pointy bit on the outside
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Ruler
Pronounced: roo’ la
Originated: Ages ago
Design features: Longish and straightish with marks and numbers on the side
Uses: Measuring and drawing straight lines, making pleasing twangy noises when you hold one end on a table top, thwack it on the other end then move it toward the table
Advice when using: Keep your eyes open so you can see what your doing
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Pincers
Pronounced: pin’ churs
Originated: A long long time ago (as I can still remember……)
Design features: Pair of handles connected to rounded jaws
Uses: Pulling things out – (additional safety advice - take care what you pull out and where).
Advice when using: A good firm grip helps (when doesn’t it!!)
NY Norm view: “It works great”


Tool Name: Mortice Gauge
Pronounced: more tiss - gayj
Originated: Some while before UK Workshop was thought of…
Design features: Wooden sticky bit – bit like a handle but not quite with blocky thingy part which slides yup and down the sticky bit, pointy bits on end of sticky bit
Uses: Gauging mortices – what else?
Advice when using: The accuracy of the gauge is diminished when it has been used as a push stick on the table saw.
NY Norm view: “It works great”


FOOTNOTES:

** H+Ls NY Norm – also known as “Nestles Yorkie Norma” (“boy does she like her chocolate!”) of “Historic Lyndhurst” is internationally known and respected (by 3 of her neighbours) in her home village of “Historic Lyndhurst” – New Forest – Hampshire UK.

Norma would like it known that she does not wear checked shirts (except on weekends with her corduroy cat suit), does not wear eye glasses- although she does have a glass eye (…if only she’d have gone for the safety glasses rather than the warm woolly underwear…) , does not have facial hair (before early afternoon) and the only similarity between herself and the Discovery Home and Leisure presenter Norm Abrams is their propensity to expound that “it works great!”.

NY Norm’s favourite wood related joke –
“What’s brown and sticky…?………… a stick!”

MMD and NYN have started to plan “1001 Uses for the Stanley 80” and hope to publish this – risk assessments permitting - on 1st April 2005.

MMD and NYN would like it known that no animals were harmed in the production of these reviews. They still hope this will also be the case for “1001 Uses for the Stanley 80”

MMD and NYN are available for public appearances
as long as:
· the batteries in NYN’s electronic tag are fully charged
· the Probation Officer is in a really good mood
· it’s not in a toolstore,
· or as long as all handtools are security marked
· and attached securely to the counter top
· or that there is a responsible member of the shop staff available for 1:1 supervision
· or there is a walk through x ray machine available and staff trained in the retrieval of hand tools from woolly undergarments
· that Stanley 80’s are not referred to

These reviews are copyright Morris Minor and Driver publications – world wide patents pending,


ISBN:
WH11AT A11 LO11AD 11OF1 A11PRI1111L T11HE FI111RST TO11MFOO111LER111RY NONS11ENSE11 - CHA11R1LEY AL11F A11ND SD11A WI11LL BE11 TER11MIN11ATING M11Y UK11W MEM1111BE11RS111HIP I11F I11M N11OT CA11REF11111UL1! R11EGAR11DS M11M1D111,
 

Gill

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MARVELLOUS :!:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Yours

Gill
 

StevieB

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:lol: :lol: And I bet the ISBN took the longest to type :p

Ah, April 1st, the start of spring....

Spring has sprung
the grass has riss
I wonder where the birdies is

Steve.
 

Philly

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You know, I looked at this thread this morning and thought, Jesus!
Later I looked at the calendar.................
Nice :D
Philly
 

Alf

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:roll:

Gawd, do I miss the good old days of a week or so ago, when occasionally something sensible was typed...

Cheers, Alf
 

Newbie_Neil

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Hi Alf

Alf":2i66w9mq said:
:roll: Gawd, do I miss the good old days of a week or so ago, when occasionally something sensible was typed... Cheers, Alf
Oh those were the days. :roll:

Hi MMD

A brilliant post if I may say. Thank you for making my day. :D

Cripes, I'm in the hand tools section. Must dash. :wink:

Cheers
Neil
 

trevtheturner

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Amazing - I've often wondered what all those things in the drawer were for. Now I know - thanks Norm! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Trev.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Spring has sprung
the grass has riss
I wonder where the birdies is
the bird is on the wing
which is absurd,
I always thought the wing was on the bird
 

morrisminordriver

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[/quote]

the bird is on the wing
which is absurd,
I always thought the wing was on the bird[/quote]

the bandsaw's on the go
the birdie takes a peek
he'd better not up too close
or else he'll lose his beak
 

Steve

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But there's no need to be upset
or to grieve for said departed sparra
'cos he's a fully-feathered bhuddist
so he'll be back some time t'morra
 

Steve

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Steve in pub Saturday evening...

"So you were on the net again last night Steve, eh? (Knowing winks and nudges)"
"That's right"
"All the conspiracy theories, pornography, chat rooms and all that"
"Of course not! Actually, I was composing a little rhyme about a buddhist bird who... Okay, okay - I was on the porn sites."
 

morrisminordriver

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So Bhudda said, “Well little bird
You have a choice to make,
You can return alive once more
But what form shall you take?”

The little bird said wistfully
With a little hint of glee
“I’d like to be a celebrity woodworker,
maybe David Free?”

The Bhudda stopped and thought on this
“He’s rather new” he said
“How about Smith or Sweetman
You could be one of them instead…”

The little bird looked thoughtfully
and said “but maybe there are more,
could that cheeky blonde haired chappie
be the one Im looking for?”

“What, that Cutting Edge young upstart?”
Said Bhudda looking sick
“I don’t think he’s the way to go
He gets right on my wick!”

“Oh Bhudda!” cried the little bird
“I really didn’t mean to displease,
I’m sure I’ll think of someone else
With whom you’ll feel at ease

“Thank you” sighed Bhudda with great relief
“But tell me on the level,
Youre not about to say to me
To return you as John Revell!!”

“Best not” said the bird, “Ive not the heart
To buy up all those tools”
Then have to ask others to use them for me
I’d just look such a fool…”

“You’ve got a point” said Bhudda
“That wouldn’t be good form,
There only seems one way to go
And that’s New Yankee Norm”

“But wait” cried out the little bird
“this suggestion might be wayward,
but I’d love to front a series
in the form of CHARLES H. HAYWARD!!!”

Now that would be one H+L series I’d love to see…!
 

Chris Knight

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MMD,
Brilliant! You can be our designated laureate. We often have a need for poems to celebrate successes or mark disappointments. It is a bit late for a bandsaw lament but I am sure there will be some other notable event before long.
 

morrisminordriver

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Ooops sorry...
Charles H Hayward wrote a number of really good woodworking books in the 50's, I have two which my dad passed on to me, he was also editor of one of the woodworking magazines too (cant think which off hand).
 

Alf

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Mike,

Great - I love it! :lol: It was The Woodworker, btw. He took over during WW2 although he'd worked as sub-editor before that, and I think some of his books first came out as early as the 30s. I'm a fan - could you guess? :oops:

Cheers, Alf
 
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