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[david123]

Just been sent this

JEWISH MISTRESS
A Jewish man and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a long
open mouthed kiss and says to him, "I'll see you later".
"Who the hell was that?" says the wife.
"That was my mistress." says the husband.
"I want a divorce!" says the wife, "This is the last straw! I've had enough."
The husband says, "Alright! You'll get your divorce, but just remember this: There will be
no more Winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more shopping trips to
Paris, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no more Yacht Club, etc. etc. But the
decision is yours!"
Just then a friend of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" says the wife.
"That's his mistress", says the husband.
"Ours is much prettier." says the wife.

 

[Graham Orm]

Great, made me smile out loud!

 

[MMUK]

+1 I needed that

 

[Grahamshed]

+2 but works with any religion / ethnic group / whatever.

 

[KevM]

+2 but works with any religion / ethnic group / whatever.

Isaac Asimov used to re-frame jokes with potentially racist/ethnic slurs by using the fictional country of Ruritania, e.g.

Q: Why do Ruritanian dogs have flat faces?
A: From chasing parked cars...

The tradition is still alive in the Dilbert comics where Scott Adams uses the country of Elbonia; I once attempted this in conversation with a particularly cloth-eared colleague and he responded with "Yeah, those Albanians are arseholes!" (Like he'd ever met one!).

 

[wellywood]

That joke reminded me of another told by Kenneth Williams.

A sailor comes home after a long voyage and lets himself into the house quietly, wanting to surprise his wife.
He's astonished to find there's a brand new expensive deep pile carpet throughout downstairs. In the living room is a new large flat screen TV and a drinks cabinet stocked with booze. He creeps quietly upstairs and flings open the bedroom door to find his wife reclining in a huge four-poster bed wearing a sheer silk nighty. A bloke, wearing a bowler hat and clutching his pin stripe trousers and a brief case is trying to climb out of the window.
The sailor confronts his wife. 'Where did all that new stuff downstairs come from?' he demands.
His wife nods towards the bloke halfway out of the window. 'Him.' she says.
'And what about this new bed and the negligee you're wearing?' the sailor asks.
Again the wife nods towards the man struggling to escape. 'Him.' she says.
'Well for heaven's sake,' shouts the sailor. 'Close that window before he catches his death!'

 

[Mr_P]

Not surprised he invited him back in, he was either an alien or had access to a time machine.

Kenneth Williams RIP
1926 - 1988

 

[KevM]

@Wellywood - very good, I particularly like the re-telling with the bowler hat and flat screen TV - old meets new, but it still works!

 

[RogerS]

Moishe died and his wife thought that she would post a small obituary in the local paper. So she called up the Small Ads department.

"What would you like the ad to say?" asked the rep.

"Moishe's dead" she replied.

"That's a bit terse, isn't it? In any case, the ads cost £2 a word and there is a minimum charge of £10" said the rep.

There was a short pause while his widow pondered this.

"OK", she said. " Moishe's dead. Volvo for sale"

 

[Graham Orm]

Jose Mourinho says he'll walk if Chelsea don't win a cup this year. Stephen Hawking says he'll walk if Man United do!

 

[wellywood]

@Wellywood - very good, I particularly like the re-telling with the bowler hat and flat screen TV - old meets new, but it still works!

What!! You mean you Poms don't still wear bowlers?! :wink:

 

[KevM]

@Wellywood - very good, I particularly like the re-telling with the bowler hat and flat screen TV - old meets new, but it still works!

What!! You mean you Poms don't still wear bowlers?! :wink:

Only on dress down Friday, that's the valet's day off. :lol:

 

[wellywood]

@Wellywood - very good, I particularly like the re-telling with the bowler hat and flat screen TV - old meets new, but it still works!

What!! You mean you Poms don't still wear bowlers?! :wink:

Only on dress down Friday, that's the valet's day off. :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: