Joke Thread 4

[Cordy]

Look

 

[Jaco]

The SAFE chain saw

 

[AES]

Up

Is this the most useful, and confusing word in the English language?

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],[prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Don't mess UP. Send this on to people you look UP in your address book . . .. or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP.

I'm fed UP with cleaning UP the mess you leave, and it clearly cannot be left to you to clean it all UP.

So pipe DOWN!

 

[Amateur]

 

[Amateur]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

Plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

 

[Alex H]

 

[Cordy]

Steal a man's wallet and he will be poor for a week.

Teach him wood-work and how to buy tools and he'll be poor for life.

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 173905

The funniest bit - the guy laughing!!

 

[stuart little]

Plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Logical, cap'n!

 

[MikeJhn]

Yep. Pre cassette tapes. Slide rules, log tables ...

Me too, and the small floppy disc to boot the Amstrad work processor, my wife taught me to touch type on one of those, stood behind me with the "Mavis Beacon teaches typing" book and hit me on the back of the head every time I looked at the keyboard.

 

[dzj]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

View attachment 173970

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_screw_drives

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

(patiently waits for Stuart to respond)

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 173985


(patiently waits for Stuart to respond)

Nor did I!

 

[stuart little]

I'm fed UP with cleaning UP the mess you leave, and it clearly cannot be left to you to clean it all UP.

So pipe DOWN!

And shut UP!

 

[MorrisWoodman12]

View attachment 173985


(patiently waits for Stuart to respond)

You'll have to wait until Stuart has woke UP!