Joke Thread 4

[Doug B]

 

[Vulcan]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[artie]

.

 

[Vulcan]

 

[Henniep]

View attachment 173468

I know! It's for glossing over a bad cut.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Vulcan]

I know! It's for glossing over a bad cut.

Very good!

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[Yorkieguy]

That's nothing in comparison to the difficulties many supposedly native speakers have with English.....

Here you go then - 21 reasons why English can be so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
4) Polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead the dog if he got the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present, so he decided to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I didn't object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to be able to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
18) After a number of injections by the dentist, my jaw got number.
19) On seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a test on the subject of English.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

[AES]

Here you go then - 21 reasons why English can be so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
4) Polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead the dog if he got the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present, so he decided to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I didn't object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to be able to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
18) After a number of injections by the dentist, my jaw got number.
19) On seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a test on the subject of English.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

EXCELLENT!

 

[Yorkieguy]

‘English as she is spoke’

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger....

Enough already!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.

... desert his dessert in the desert.

 

[Yorkieguy]

... desert his dessert in the desert.

Just wanted to see if those at the back were asleep!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Eye halve a spelling check her, It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh, My checker tolled me sew.
A check her is a bless sing; It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen, Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps, Wee are knot maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me, It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That’s why eye brake in two averse Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye This soft wear four pea seas.

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]