Joke Thread 4

[Jaco]

A mate of mine who loves star gazing with his World class telescopic lens,

tells me that a new corner shop has just opened up on the south pole of the moon....

Would that perhaps be a Curry Den, or spice shop?

 

[Phil Pascoe]

A charity shop.

 

[Jaco]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phill05]

I was talking to Tom the farmer next door the other day, he'd bought a new Bull cost him a few grand, he put him out with the herd of cows but took no notice not even a smell of them just content eating the grass.

He was worried he had paid too much for a non performer so decided to call in the vet to take a look well she prodded and pulled, poked and stroked then said the Bull was very fit but maybe a little young and left a box of pills with the instructions to add One to his feed each day and see how it goes.

Well two days later the Bull had serviced his herd of cows then broken through the fence into the next farm and set to servicing the entire herd as well!! He's like a machine now.

I don't know what was in the pills the vet left for him: but they taste like peppermint, Well must go now.

 

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

I am not happy - I broke my Stuart Little mug !

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Jaco]

SPAGHETTI For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

 

[Phill05]

Called in the supermarket the other day my how things have changed, an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh, and just before it turns on you hear a distant rumble of thunder and smell fresh rain.

When you go to get a bottle of milk you can hear cows mooing in the fields and smell the fresh hay.

You turn to pick up some eggs and hear the hens clucking and cackling, then the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

And the fruit and veg section's have a scent of fresh cut grass that lingers in the air.

The freshly baked bread has the aroma you just can't say no to.

I don't buy toilet rolls there anymore.

 

[Fidget]

 

[MikeJhn]

Big foot only has three fingers and is wearing a back pack?

View attachment 165236

 

[Alex H]

Case! Hurrah! Hurrah!”.


Doris Day, at Baggage Reclaim.

 

[Alex H]

 

[Keith Cocker]

View attachment 165281

The nasty turnip would be pleased with the comparison

 

[Jaco]

​

- Take One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Take Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" - Take Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. - Take Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" - Take Six Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. - Take Seven An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

 

[woodhutt]

 

[Doug B]